tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51012000215194476192024-03-05T12:07:17.029+00:00Kids Career Marriage LifeMistake-based learnings on how to enjoy bringing up kids while maintaining a happy marriage in a two-career household.
(Plus some notes on valiant-but-mostly-futile attempts to cram in personal recreation amid the allotted list of household duties and acute sleepiness.)dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-14449086984887924822013-09-28T11:00:00.000+01:002013-09-28T16:33:12.892+01:00Nothing to fear but fear itself (and parrots)<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I once punched a medium-sized pig in the face. Twice. Not
because I can’t separate real life from<i> Angry Birds</i> but because, as far as I
could tell, it was in the process of biting my daughter’s hand off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’ve always been very </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">blasé</span><span class="illustration1"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> <i>w</i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">ith the kids if they were afraid
of something unlikely… <i>“Daddy, I’m scared of going upstairs on my own in case
there’s monsters”; “Daddy, I’m scared of riding in the shopping trolley because
it might chop my legs”; “Daddy, I’m scared your investment strategy relies too
heavily on the returns of a single class of investment, spreading your money
across a range of investments such as shares, property, bonds and cash would reduce
your exposure to market risk”.</i> My view is that any inability to overcome fear-of-the-untried
could prevent the children from living life to-the-full, so I have always
pushed quite hard through any initial resistance to new things. (This has
mainly applied to my little boy – my little girl is dauntlessly intrepid, he is
<i>“naturally cautious”</i> or <i>“a total wuss-faced fraidy-cat”</i> depending on your
parlance.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However, when my previously-considered-to-be irrational
fear of the kids getting their arms stumpified at a petting farm turned out to
be a valid concern, I had cause to reflect on this approach…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My pig concern almost-certainly germinated from a) the
films <i>Snatch </i>and <i>Hannibal</i>, the two most widely-available showcasings of pigs’
ability to chomp through bone; and b) many examples of the folly that is
trusting non-domesticated animals (Siegfried & Roy’s <i>tame </i>white tiger;
countless brutal attacks by <i>friendly </i>chimpanzees; that pink bear’s final
betrayal at the end of <i>Toy Story 3</i>). But I’ve always laughed it off as a
ridiculous concern, “It must be fine mustn’t it? Kids don’t get their fingers
bitten off by pigs. Someone would have said. Let’s enjoy some light petting.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On this particular farm visit, my daughter three at the
time, I cautiously placed the pellets on her palm and held her fingers straight
with my hand to ensure our porcine patron was just slurping them up from a flat
surface. But at some point, as I let go of her hand to reach into the pellet bag,
porkface saw it’s chance… <i>chomp… couple of frantic seconds trying fruitlessly
to get its jaws open… punch, punch… release… fingers very cut & bloody –
but still there… phew</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGb6zFksR1CBWX49byIvfcUGFdYt_tqsPR027spdrrD7I0raHmiUB7WbQREFM66ncsG56OE7dd7cxRCyaYZGv0PWlNEbOGjshyphenhyphen7BOApE5XWtQfeeMdQwRU7j8296GP4r-I1cYCyZ1YXYk/s1600/bird+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGb6zFksR1CBWX49byIvfcUGFdYt_tqsPR027spdrrD7I0raHmiUB7WbQREFM66ncsG56OE7dd7cxRCyaYZGv0PWlNEbOGjshyphenhyphen7BOApE5XWtQfeeMdQwRU7j8296GP4r-I1cYCyZ1YXYk/s400/bird+pic.jpg" width="345" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Similarly, as if to further emphasise the validity of
living in a perpetual state of uneasy caution, my generally-gung-ho little girl
recently experienced a shocking realisation of her one ‘<i>silly</i>’ fear – the
suspicion that, given half-a-chance, <i>any </i>nearby bird will try to peck her eyes
out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On a holiday to visit friends in Kuala Lumpur, we
went to KL Bird Park (which claims to be the <span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 17.77px;">world's </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 17.77px;">largest</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 17.77px;"> walk-in aviary)</span>. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As she entered, timidly holding my hand,
the very first thing she saw was the harrowing scene of a big heron lunging repeatedly
at a small boy’s face with its beak. Understandably she spent the rest of the
day wanting to be carried with her head pressed into my chest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then, in an attempt to perk her up and demonstrate how
fun and friendly birds can be, my wife bought a cup of parrot feed and held it
out in the hope that a couple would come to perch on her arm… within seconds
she was engulfed by a frenzied cloud of bright red birds, screaming as they nipped
various bits of her. This was <i>not </i>effective in alleviating our daughter’s distress.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Prior to these incidents, I’d found my little boy’s
circumspect approach to life very frustrating. He has made a screaming hot-mess
out of many a sledging trip, donkey ride (his <a href="http://kids-career-marriage-life.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/not-autistic-just-really-likes-horses.html" target="_blank">love of horses</a> seemingly only
from afar) and trip to the toilet (a jittery mis-trust of hand-dryers meaning
we currently always return wet-handed). For a long time he would sit down on
his bum to descend any steps, no matter how small, rather than take on the
miniscule risk of a tumble. And swimming lessons are an on-going challenge as
any requirement for him to be on his back with ears in the water leads to howls
of aversion. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In every activity we choose to do (or not do) there’s a risk
vs. reward equation to consider and my growing fear was that, because my son seems
to have a very low appetite for <em>any</em> risk, my hopes of us having some adventurous
experiences together as the children get older may be scuppered. (<i>“I know
you’re terrified of sledging down that tiny mound by our house, but how would
you feel about dog-sled polar bear safari?”</i>) However, after the pig & bird skirmishes,
I see that this was probably a selfish viewpoint. He’s little, but he’s not
stupid and - hand-dryer mistrust aside - he’s generally only scared by things that
hold a real (if remote) chance of harm or discomfort. Who am I to decree to him
which activities are fun/interesting enough to warrant the risks they carry? He
can watch and decide for himself... as he did surprisingly on holiday, laughing with
glee for hours at a time while body-surfing in waves taller than his head<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">*</span></b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have since found that the most effective approach for introducing
new things to my children is to really emphasise the enjoyment that can be had
to my little boy, which his natural caution can otherwise cause him to
overlook… and to be sure that my little girl is fully aware of any potential
dangers, which she would otherwise smash excitedly straight into – after that
they’re free to choose for themselves. Mostly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht5J45f38nC69no_OVPhX7X5u223t5pOxw2qZq3CEHYPLh2sI3XhrXErGhPPLjb2Hnf1svVt_L45qWbGzGeIssnX2O0bhtyz_pUD23DthZ4oo04XHN_iKTSaTeb48w-i9aUAZkNiBWeQ8/s1600/pig+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht5J45f38nC69no_OVPhX7X5u223t5pOxw2qZq3CEHYPLh2sI3XhrXErGhPPLjb2Hnf1svVt_L45qWbGzGeIssnX2O0bhtyz_pUD23DthZ4oo04XHN_iKTSaTeb48w-i9aUAZkNiBWeQ8/s400/pig+pic.jpg" width="341" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><u>Epilogue</u><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Since drafting this post ready to publish, my little girl
has broken her arm by falling off a 6ft-high set of monkey bars<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">**</span></b>. On one hand
this adds credence to my little boy’s safety-first outlook. On the other, it’s seemingly
done nothing to reduce her enthusiasm for climbing/swinging/jumping. Despite
having experienced the potential-downside first-hand, she can’t wait to be
healed and allowed to play again. <i>If you love Revels, you accept that you’ll
sometimes get the raisin one.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">*</span></b> Which was really fun to do with him, but has since made
the on-going commotion during swimming lessons even tougher to take <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">**</span></b> She had conquered it numerous times before the falling
incident. It was very important to her that I clarify this to you.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></o:p> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Learned Wisdoms<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">#54:</span></b> If you were to become hazy on the boundary between
real life and Angry Birds, a farm visit would be the main thing to avoid. The
pigs would probably be fine (especially once you’d put helmets on them), but
the chickens and hens you lob at them might be a little traumatised. As
would the duck – especially when you berate it mid-arc for not boomeranging
properly.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-32454151254344388832013-08-28T10:21:00.000+01:002013-09-24T12:57:19.932+01:00Fancy-Dressed for Success<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxtK5XuDL32ZH7v8gzdSXk7IRSI822lTPxXBZArRIZBftJSOrAVWVopCoewulFl-8BgZrDpK7QagLbN_27P_o6f4YBs-5deTndAjesUAiHAhhbSFbQIJzA8OQx85tJFtZ8prjifBJiwGU/s1600/tumblr_m3et3nMDpb1r8mgjno1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxtK5XuDL32ZH7v8gzdSXk7IRSI822lTPxXBZArRIZBftJSOrAVWVopCoewulFl-8BgZrDpK7QagLbN_27P_o6f4YBs-5deTndAjesUAiHAhhbSFbQIJzA8OQx85tJFtZ8prjifBJiwGU/s320/tumblr_m3et3nMDpb1r8mgjno1_500.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I like a bit of fancy dress. Who doesn’t? My kids love
fancy dress. And I love putting my kids in fancy dress. As often as possible.
Parties; play-dates; church; etc, etc.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The other week, one of my friends showed me <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/fury-baby-blacked-up-ex-manchester-1740367" target="_blank">this story</a>. For the click-shy it involves a picture of a baby crudely dressed up as
ex-Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli, during the famous shirt-message
incident (pictured).</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
<o:p><br /></o:p></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The media and twitter reaction to it was one of great vengeance
and furious anger<b><span style="color: #a64d79;">*</span></b>, with a lot of comments about child cruelty.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I don’t see how it’s physically cruel. No baby is getting hurt by
having a sponge balanced on its head. And no child is going to complain about
having chocolate spread smeared anywhere near their mouth.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
</span><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">He must have been significantly more comfortable than her:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkwnrkrL9zqKj8tx7wZlnkf1sjOEl2fChfNQPaHswM1OJrj0gzU9OQ3GLYhHo3-Y7J72I-RyZAg0KlDjaIVtBtOQKdWPbCcjN_R4KTJAlIVXAOiQnDm4zD8Z35v2mtQ8JN_EMN4xXx-24/s1600/Funny-Fancydress-Baby18_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkwnrkrL9zqKj8tx7wZlnkf1sjOEl2fChfNQPaHswM1OJrj0gzU9OQ3GLYhHo3-Y7J72I-RyZAg0KlDjaIVtBtOQKdWPbCcjN_R4KTJAlIVXAOiQnDm4zD8Z35v2mtQ8JN_EMN4xXx-24/s320/Funny-Fancydress-Baby18_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">… and less at risk of drowning in the North Sea. But the
mermaid costume would never generate ‘public outcry’. (In fact, likely-to-cause-mild-chaffing
though it is, between typing I’m searching Amazon to get one for my daughter
now)</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Anyway, this started me thinking generally about what it
is/isn’t </span><i style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">ok </i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">to dress your kids up as, and specifically about the reaction to the
Balotelli incident.</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Initially my hypothesis was that any fun fancy dress is ok </span><u style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">unless </u><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">it contravenes the following rules:</span></div>
<span style="color: orange; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>RULE # 1: </b>Should not be painful/cruel/demeaning to the child</span></div>
<span style="color: orange; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">
</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">or</span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">
</span><span style="color: orange; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>RULE # 2:</b> Should not highlight an undesirable characteristic or unfairly-stereotyped/bigoted view of the subject</span></div>
<span style="color: orange; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">
</span><o:p style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"></o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
So, let’s test this with some examples…</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQyADcpEqrydy6D7DglccVtGjt1VAJGCH5H4B-WwLxuKcf72I3wPj2t8hoUXsM9p_BOg92C-5jN3aMSDpBdjQ4pAx0PXYMRtzZQ7Upnrul3W-H1ScAMUi77QWiLDusrS5jDo-1bd8IALk/s1600/buzz.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="145" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQyADcpEqrydy6D7DglccVtGjt1VAJGCH5H4B-WwLxuKcf72I3wPj2t8hoUXsM9p_BOg92C-5jN3aMSDpBdjQ4pAx0PXYMRtzZQ7Upnrul3W-H1ScAMUi77QWiLDusrS5jDo-1bd8IALk/s640/buzz.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">This is fine. The costume is cool. And despite the fact that we all like to poke a bit of fun at the Gamma Quadrant folks of Sector 4 and their </span><i style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">crazy </i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">bureaucratic dedication to the rules and bi-laws of Star Command, you wouldn’t call it offensive (except maybe if you’re Zurg or one of Zurg’s relatives). Next...</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyRIqnG8cBhbmbUESawzkqA066K6xwaJ7ZpZ0FUUnh7T-v_cMUphi3tyjXJXiCvm49-2nt0Y_wgYNR5PNn_yhPheEBSskqU-lidmDvW4ryTFzjLFEbQxk5dxMfXQG4XB_ikaHL8_NIOJ4/s1600/FC.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyRIqnG8cBhbmbUESawzkqA066K6xwaJ7ZpZ0FUUnh7T-v_cMUphi3tyjXJXiCvm49-2nt0Y_wgYNR5PNn_yhPheEBSskqU-lidmDvW4ryTFzjLFEbQxk5dxMfXQG4XB_ikaHL8_NIOJ4/s640/FC.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">
</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Under my initial guidelines this<i> isn’t</i> ok. The costume
clearly highlights an undesirable physical characteristic of the subject. He is
fat. However, experience and common-sense says no-one would have any problem
with that costume. Picking on the big, lardy plight of an over-privileged white
man in a position of power – even one with the exercise-discouraging plight of
unlimited free public transport - would stir anger in no-one<b><span style="color: #a64d79;">**</span></b>. Which suggests a reduction of rule two…</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">
</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"></span><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b style="color: orange;">RULE # 2: </b><span style="color: orange;">Should not highlight an <s>undesirable
characteristic or</s> unfairly-stereotyped/bigoted view of the subject.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
… and I think I’m ok with dropping the ‘undesirable (but true) characteristic’ clause.
Fat-phase soon-to-die-on-a-toilet Elvis costumes are socially ok. I’m probably even
open to an extreme-uggo line of costumes. Like a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Merrick" target="_blank">John Merrick</a>. (That’d be pretty impressive
actually. Not sure what you’d make it out of. Paper mache and corned beef?)</div>
<o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
Let’s cut to the chase. <i>The problem </i>here was that the
baby is white and Mario Balotelli is black. The discomfort is with the idea of
a white kid colouring their skin to dress as a black celebrity/character. So…</div>
</span><br />
<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Is
cross-racial fancy dress completely taboo? And, if it is, how do I explain ‘why’
articulately to my kids if/when they ever want to don one of the plethora
of brilliant black person/character fancy-dress options?</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Unsure, I did a bit of reading to get a view on the history and the public opinions in this area. Here's the conclusions I drew:</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<ul><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
<li>Similar to dressing as an other-worldly Buzz Lightyear, there’s obviously no issue with face painting be a specific character of a fictional race, for example..</li>
</span></ul>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><o:p></o:p></b><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6KoGmE-ShkkL0DvcyBqMjfNqAPqHCZR-Ivv9nLkXRZRd7uOS7wvpEBcGLk5axxa8Ksq-gzsy8ckiZYhL35E9EAvQKyROyA5n6xu3LEI9HbyVPmkQeZ50g5wES6U0ej4VQyNCXPRfhBgY/s1600/little+miss.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6KoGmE-ShkkL0DvcyBqMjfNqAPqHCZR-Ivv9nLkXRZRd7uOS7wvpEBcGLk5axxa8Ksq-gzsy8ckiZYhL35E9EAvQKyROyA5n6xu3LEI9HbyVPmkQeZ50g5wES6U0ej4VQyNCXPRfhBgY/s640/little+miss.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... clearly, the question is specifically around a white person
painting themselves to ‘play’ a black person. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<ul><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
<li>Does that
<i>have </i>to be a problem? Even if you've got a really, <i>really </i>good idea for a costume? For example, in <a href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/school_holidays/1013230-Is-it-acceptable-to-black-up-your-child-for-a/AllOnOnePage" target="_blank">this thread</a> I think the rationale for face paint in the Tiger Woods costume has some solid
logic (even if the execution was <i>massively </i>clunky), because a Rory McElroy in an <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_collective_nouns" target="_blank">ambush</a> of Tigers wouldn’t make a lot of sense.</li>
<li>Unfortunately, even with the best of intentions, the use of
make-up like this echoes of and is heavily associated
with more ignorant/racist times when <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blackface" target="_blank">blackface</a> was done by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Black_and_White_Minstrel_Show" target="_blank">The Black & White Minstrels</a> and other groups to perform stupid, false-stereotype portrayals. i.e…</li>
</span></ul>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b></b></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><b><span style="color: #990000;">Using make-up to look like a person of another race is <u>not</u> <i>inherently </i>racist… the problem is that it’s previously mainly been done <i>by f*cking horrible racists</i></span></b></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>
</b></span><div style="text-align: justify;">
<ul><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
<li>Even though that was back in the 1970s, it’s recent
enough that many people walking around today will have been negatively impacted
by it in their lifetime. So, here comes a third rule…</li>
</span></ul>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">
<o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: orange;"><b>RULE # 3:</b> Avoid representing something horrible that
affected the lifetime or family-memories of people who might see your child</span></div>
</o:p><o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
At some point racism will be a thing of the past, but clearly we’re not
there yet (as Louis Suarez, Prince Philip and <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/20770678" target="_blank">the fans of Zenit StPetersburg</a> all demonstrate) and the general public contains a surprising number of idiots. As an example from <a href="http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/archive/index.php/t-477309.html" target="_blank">this generally-sensible chain on whether it’s ok to fancy-dress as Jimi Hendrix</a> shows, someone is always primed to miss the point…</div>
</o:p></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; color: #943634; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsOIHQ0jU5xYQxvUOfehH6nQ28lTrkdMen60Qro7Euok7x-tbt4BPTuEtFBZzk_T1BQwTteXiHdNAZGSPmvjBTQDiZdXcnwKLynLkJ9wk9IoVhfNHeX3qwuPwYLLkzm_XdWSEReSnJKsQ/s1600/idiot.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsOIHQ0jU5xYQxvUOfehH6nQ28lTrkdMen60Qro7Euok7x-tbt4BPTuEtFBZzk_T1BQwTteXiHdNAZGSPmvjBTQDiZdXcnwKLynLkJ9wk9IoVhfNHeX3qwuPwYLLkzm_XdWSEReSnJKsQ/s1600/idiot.JPG" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
… and the last thing any similar Jumbo McSpazzatron needs
is a chance to misunderstand that ‘minstrel culture' might still be socially ok. (Plus, if any person who doesn’t know you - black or otherwise - sees your child, how are they to know you’re not a <i>lizmachin</i>?)</div>
</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
So, even if you’ve got solid intentions with brown face paint, think twice about it and <i>certainly </i>don’t show
it off in public. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div>
Aside from face paint, the derision that met Prince Harry when the public saw pictures of him dressed as a Nazi also supports Rule 3. <i>However</i>, the Romans did some pretty unspeakable things in their day<b><span style="color: #a64d79;">***</span></b>, but I’ve seen plenty of Julius Caesar costumes and no-one gets upset, so it seems like there may be a statute of limitations on this rule. </div>
<div>
With the data I have available, I can say for certain that it’s somewhere over 70 years (Nazis: <i>not ok</i>), but under 2000 years (Caesar: <i>ok</i>).</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Generally, if the costume is specific and genuinely funny, there’s little chance that any balanced person would find it offensive. If it’s a bit rubbish
then, regardless of potential offence, you shouldn't be making your kid wear it. Fancy dress is brilliant - make an effort!</div>
<o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: orange;"><b>RULE # 4:</b> Make sure it’s a really good costume</span></div>
<o:p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUsJckaT79raVS0DJgQN-ae-hlsbAXrue1lG3amJXQ7pxNDbBWwyEgLy5KH7ZDZTkq7Yn5OQJhm6X-tcrT6vertFd1OwuJioWqGlaDit4HLgGYn_mZPbBagCfyjnDJxPjpyBGleP293bE/s1600/wz.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUsJckaT79raVS0DJgQN-ae-hlsbAXrue1lG3amJXQ7pxNDbBWwyEgLy5KH7ZDZTkq7Yn5OQJhm6X-tcrT6vertFd1OwuJioWqGlaDit4HLgGYn_mZPbBagCfyjnDJxPjpyBGleP293bE/s640/wz.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</o:p><o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikKwSNjjT5BYdeoRZNQu2uL-zfO6l_G73VGiUPg8LsfxBUbWZdapNfwK3APWegEGMH1vU1rjFmm49Nvb1iq6tfklv34KYcgLumq9Actp63G6O_80n8ZwRy7QS4PmTieNrAaDjhzhHmw0Y/s1600/fbi.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikKwSNjjT5BYdeoRZNQu2uL-zfO6l_G73VGiUPg8LsfxBUbWZdapNfwK3APWegEGMH1vU1rjFmm49Nvb1iq6tfklv34KYcgLumq9Actp63G6O_80n8ZwRy7QS4PmTieNrAaDjhzhHmw0Y/s640/fbi.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
</div>
</o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</o:p>So. There you go. Here’s my initial schema for child fancy
dress success…
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: orange;"><b>RULE # 1:</b> Should not be painful/cruel/demeaning to the
child</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: orange;"><b>RULE # 2:</b> Should not highlight an unfairly-stereotyped/bigoted
view of the subject.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b style="color: orange;">RULE # 3:</b><span style="color: orange;"> Avoid representing something horrible that
affected the lifetime or family-memories of people who might see your child </span><i><span style="color: #999999;">(this
rule dissolves somewhere 70-to-2000 years after said event)</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: orange;"><b>RULE # 4:</b> Make sure it’s a really good costume</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I’m no expert though (most of my ‘research’ came from
wikipedia and mumsnet... and the film <i>Bamboozled</i>), so any other thoughts are very welcome.</div>
<o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</o:p><o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #134f5c;">Learned Wisdoms</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #134f5c;">#52:</span></b> If you initially hypothesise that it’s not ok for a
white kid to dress as a black person purely due to black people previously
having been victims of repression, you’ll find that this example calls that
line of thought into question:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #943634; mso-themecolor: accent2; mso-themeshade: 191;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj74YErCC-OyMSJpb2_sXzXuXyngc95xEhXiK28BTUBNdLwqrOYWC0LI5GQFic926yJ-PQKDxjvmsyiidSBLkIQpfJ0jGeh6CrTd1PLkHfdTlTSf8kVJD_dB6MvZXAcNXRYZF3Ea2Z-TQo/s1600/jessie.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj74YErCC-OyMSJpb2_sXzXuXyngc95xEhXiK28BTUBNdLwqrOYWC0LI5GQFic926yJ-PQKDxjvmsyiidSBLkIQpfJ0jGeh6CrTd1PLkHfdTlTSf8kVJD_dB6MvZXAcNXRYZF3Ea2Z-TQo/s640/jessie.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</span><div style="text-align: justify;">
... Jessie
is a woman. And a ginger. A walking-fusion of two groups that each historically
score high in the Top Trumps of societal repression and castigation. And it’s
fine to dress up as her. (However,
if there’d ever been a <i>Red & Freckled Minstrels Show</i>, trading on
<i>hot-tempered, easily-sunburned</i> stereotypes, maybe we’d all be more reticent to
put on an orange wig)</div>
<o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</o:p><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>#53:</b></span> If
your white son wants to dress like Mr T and you decide against face-paint, make sure you do a <i>really </i>good & clear job on the mohawk -
otherwise the ‘white-version’ of the costume, given all the jewellery and
casual sport/combat gear, is a pretty close approximation to Jimmy Saville.
Which is a much more significant breakage of Rule #3</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #a64d79; font-size: x-small;">Footnotes</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #a64d79;"><b>*</b></span> Which made me laugh. Because who gets FURIOUS about some minor news item they happen upon?.. Then the next day I read <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-21666208" target="_blank">this</a> and instantly transformed into Malcolm Tucker</span></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #a64d79;"><b>**</b></span> Anyone suggesting that he calls ‘himself’ The “Fat” Controller and so is obviously ok with his gluttony should think twice. There’s no evidence that he made the nickname up - more likely just begrudgingly went along with steam-delivered mockery, vainly hoping it’d go away if he didn’t react. (Probably leading to a cycle of self-loathing and comfort-eating that exacerbates the situation to this day – watch out for the residents of Sodor soon starting to refer to their ‘Morbidly Obese Controller’ who gets cleaned at the same time as the engines with a hose and a broom)</span></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><span style="color: #a64d79;">***</span></b> Not many people know that the full phrase is <i>“When in Rome, do as the Romans do... but try to avoid the whole ‘killing a hundred-thousand Christians’ thing”</i></span></div>
</div>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
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<o:p></o:p> </div>
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dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-22107396241453676372013-01-16T22:18:00.003+00:002013-08-28T10:21:46.971+01:00Ten-Thousandth Visit Special Edition<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My blog passed 10000 visits recently so to celebrate, just like a lazy sit-com writer doing a ‘compilation show’ for their 100th episode, here’s a bunch of my favourite not-that-useful parenting suggestions from the <em>learned wisdoms</em> section of my posts and the <a href="https://twitter.com/dadulthood" target="_blank">@Dadulthood</a> twitter feed <span style="font-size: x-small;">(and maybe some stolen from Viz magazine’s <a href="http://www.viz.co.uk/toptips.html" target="_blank">Top Tips</a>… see Learned Wisdoms below)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #990000;">KIDS’ ENTERTAINMENT</span><br />AVOID SIGNIFICANT board game tedium by telling your children from an early age that it’s called ‘Connect 2’</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CHILDREN'S ILLUSTRATORS. Need to draw a ladybird or butterfly? Go and look at a photo of one first. Seriously. Just once</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">TV PEOPLE. Solve childhood obesity by making all cartoons about morbidly obese animals incapable of adventures due to Type 2 diabetes</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #990000;">BATHROOM</span><br />OUT OF TOILET ROLL? As you reach behind to pull from it, check that the packet on the cistern is Baby Wipes. Not Flash Bathroom Wipes</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">IF YOU have multiple tubs of Vaseline, clearly labelling one of them <em>BUMS</em> removes the risk of any icky moments when treating chapped lips. But it can lead to some awkward questions if spotted by visitors.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">EMPHASISE the importance of grammar to your children by concocting your own “No, More Tears” shampoo out of lemon juice & vinegar </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">POTTY DESIGNERS. It's for holding urine. Becoming a super-awesome cowboy hat when upturned is NOT a helpful feature...</span><br />
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDaLR6L6NkCtJmJHlG2WWNV2avh__VSb_9lTWl9GYEYnF5i5a7tyhCLm59dc-w2Weig816tgMIrusDdLszhtf6-4a2bW9j1f8Z1I3OFwokIsWk1FmXzd8NlwjuP-w1ncqsrBzfi9NqI8w/s1600/2012-09-29+20.51.50-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDaLR6L6NkCtJmJHlG2WWNV2avh__VSb_9lTWl9GYEYnF5i5a7tyhCLm59dc-w2Weig816tgMIrusDdLszhtf6-4a2bW9j1f8Z1I3OFwokIsWk1FmXzd8NlwjuP-w1ncqsrBzfi9NqI8w/s320/2012-09-29+20.51.50-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span id="goog_1543833281"></span><span id="goog_1543833282"></span><br /></div>
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #990000;">TOYS & GIFTS</span><br />A HIGH-SIDED garden trampoline makes an excellent introduction to cage fighting for young siblings </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">AMAZON. When I've just bought my daughter a pink scooter, it's unlikely I will immediately want to buy another one </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">AN EARTHWORM makes a handy 'serpent' when helping your daughter create an <em>exotic-dancer Barbie</em> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">KEEP YOUR children on their toes by placing brochures for foster homes in the toy section of the Argos catalogue</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A STICKLEBRICK makes an excellent 'bed of nails' for a meditating Lego-man</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #990000;">SCHOOL</span><br />REDUCE THE monotony of the school run by dropping your child at a different school each day </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">GET AROUND paying for expensive after school clubs by encouraging your children to get daily detentions</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #990000;">OPPORTUNISM</span><br />LEAVE AN unattended hole-punch near your kids. That way, several of your very important documents can effortlessly become riddled with holes</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />DON’T BE grumpy when changing a dirty nappy, use it as an amnesty period for getting any stored up trumps out</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">AN OLD baby bottle makes a splendid measuring cup for spirits. (Remember to rinse before the health visitor comes)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">SAVE thousands on university fees and gain a BA in law by getting Mr T to marry your daughter</span></div>
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<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #0b5394;">Learned Wisdoms<br />#51:</span></strong> If you find yourself 34 years old and still occasionally reading/enjoying <i>Viz </i>reassure yourself that, because you scan the letters and articles but skip past the cartoons, you <em>probably</em> still count as an adult</span></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-8320462331103060352013-01-02T23:15:00.000+00:002013-08-28T10:24:22.949+01:00Baby Windsor and the ‘Twit’ of Auburn<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The pregnancy announcement last month and, in particular,
the news that Kate <i>Middleton-as-was</i> had gone into hospital for morning sickness
treatment from “her main doctor and the royal gynaecologist” started me wondering
about likely differences between my kids’ childhoods and that of the current-foetus/future-ruler.
(It seemed my wife didn’t even have a ‘main’ doctor during the <i>births</i>, never mind the pregnancies… and
when she had morning sickness she got off the train to vom, then carried on to
work.) So, as and when note-worthy comparisons arise, I’ll cobble a post together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Before I start, these aren’t <i>“silver-spoon… look what
they’ve got, aren’t they lucky?” </i>thoughts. I certainly wouldn’t wish on my
children the constant attention and long-range pixelated-boob-shots that the
Royals have to put up with. I’m interested in the way different
experiences shape people’s view of the world. I care very much about the opinions
my children grow-up holding and I think we’ve all got a vested interest in how
Baby-<i>Widdleton </i>turns out (even if you think it’s a purely ceremonial position,
you’d surely rather avoid any future international embarrassment from, say, another
Prince Philipish casual-racist).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>[For complete transparency, it’s worth stating now that
this Royals vs Suburbanites framework may not actually turn into a series. It <u>might</u> turn out just to be a one-off, purely
used on this occasion to provide some structural credibility for a story about
the word ‘twat’…]</i></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Windsor child comparison #1:</b> <span style="color: #073763;">Appreciation of live sport</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Prince William likes his sport. You often see him in the
good seats at big rugby matches. And he did a great deal for our
fruitlessly-uncorrupt 2018 football World Cup bid. So no-doubt he’ll be taking
his first-born to his/her first game when they’re old enough. As I did. Though
I doubt the experience will have much similarity... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I took my little girl to watch Huddersfield Town FC for
the first time a few weeks ago. Away at Charlton Athletic. Everyone knows
language can be a bit industrial at football but, for her first visit, she unfortunately
experienced a perfect storm of swearing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At kick-off there was a big argument around us between
all the lads stood up behind the goal and all the people sat behind who
subsequently couldn’t see. The bloke right next to me was shouting at the top
of his voice, spit flying. My little girl looked at me, wide-eyed and
exclaimed “Everybody’s swearing!” In the end it got to that point where even I
- who believes that there’s some environments, this being one of them, where
people shouldn’t be frowned-upon too much for dropping the odd sweary-bomb -
had to ask the guy to tone-down his language… then, after half-an-hour, one of
our players got sent off and even I was up on my feet effing! (I don’t want my
daughter to think foul language should be encouraged, <i>but he clearly got the
ball</i>).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRJ3XqKD5zzWpSmZChhyesUZl6yaAvZdNUgPGSztfc3fmgDiRbxx9FaN9QqpsSzqFoV0_b2tQiFwztoOPPupx3Ghga2jI-AMoriguAVz_mhcXbtCOtFyO6XB1rKjqjlMBDSpkP25wPV2w/s1600/Kate+Sports+Personality-001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRJ3XqKD5zzWpSmZChhyesUZl6yaAvZdNUgPGSztfc3fmgDiRbxx9FaN9QqpsSzqFoV0_b2tQiFwztoOPPupx3Ghga2jI-AMoriguAVz_mhcXbtCOtFyO6XB1rKjqjlMBDSpkP25wPV2w/s320/Kate+Sports+Personality-001.JPG" width="294" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All this didn’t concern me too much. Anyone who thinks
they can protect their kids from hearing swear words once they’re going to
school is dreaming. My daughter knows of “f*ck” and “sh*it”, but she knows they’re
bad words and that, as she wisely pointed out to me during the game, “people shouting
them look like idiots”. Unfortunately, she then learned a new word… a
bloke behind us shouted “linesman, you ginger twat”. My daughter, not knowing
what it meant but clearly liking the sound, jumped to her feet, pointed and
shouted “ginger twat, ginger twat, ginger twat”. Everyone around us creased-up
laughing (including the bloke next to me – credit to him for not asking me to
tone-down my daughter’s language). I had to tell her it was a bad word. She was
mortified – gasping and covering her mouth with both hands – which happily gave
me some confidence that I wouldn’t soon be getting a call from her teacher telling me she’d dished out slurs to a crowded classroom (and so
far, so good).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, the point is, you probably don’t get exposed to
that language quite as much in, say, the hospitality seats at rugby union. But,
on the other hand, you probably miss out on the occasional moment of highly-concentrated
euphoria…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With 90 minutes up and the team 0-1 down, Huddersfield
got a penalty right in front of us. (No one complained when everyone stood up
at that point.) I picked my daughter up so she could see. She shouted “Kick it
in the net”. Our player duly did. The stand erupted and my little girl
repeatedly shouted in my ear, “YEEEESSS! I TOLD HIM TO KICK IT IN THE NET!!!”
She was pleased as punch and I’m pretty sure she’ll never forget her first
match - and the belief that she deserved an assist on the equaliser for her tactically-masterful suggestion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Upon leaving, I could see the benefits of a Royal
lifestyle. I was around the protocol lounge of the Olympic Stadium at the
end of the Games Closing Ceremony<b><span style="color: #351c75;">*</span></b> and saw Kate & Prince Harry being
whisked away to their waiting escorted car. After her first match my
little girl had the luxury of riding on my shoulders out of the ground, but
then the luxury-lacking experience of waiting on a crowded platform to get on
to a palpably overcrowded train.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Conclusion</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think it’s great that the wee Windsor is likely to
appreciate sport and witness some great moments around the world. Always being
in the expensive, non-partisan seats will probably mean he/she never </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">quite</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">experiences the atmosphere of a consistently unheroic team’s packed stand
when, with only 10-men, they equalise in the last minute… <i>but that’s just a
cross they’ll have to bear</i>. (Although, unless I somehow end up the kind of man
who gets chauffeured away from things in waiting escorted cars, my daughter
might also miss the odd last-minute winner in my later years when, as a grumpy old
man, I decide I’d rather go 5 minutes early than plod slowly through the crowds.) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While I like the idea of the future monarch being ‘one of
us’ and having sat in the away end at Charlton or Millwall (or, quaintly, <i>stood
</i>at Brentford), I don’t believe you miss a huge insight into society by not experiencing this – just occasionally watch the footy on mute with <i>Shameless </i>playing loudly on your
laptop in the background. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">From watching sport with me, my daughter will probably
grow up with increased patience in slow-moving large crowds, increased tolerance of being
in close proximity to badly-articulated angry shouts and reduced fussiness
about pie quality. I think these are solid traits… however, they <i>probably </i>aren’t
that useful if you’re the queen or the king.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><b>*</b></span> “Oh <i>fucking </i>were you?”</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Learned Wisdoms<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #0c343d;">#48: </span></b>If you tell your mother-in-law a story about your
daughter having used the word twat and she pauses for a moment then asks you, “What
does twat mean anyway?”, I can confirm that - when giving an explanation that
offers no escape from use of the word ‘vagina’ - going <i>very </i>red may be uncomfortable but feels totally appropriate<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #0c343d;">#49:</span></b> If it becomes clear that your mother-in-law isn’t
aware of the meaning of the word twat, in fact having thought it to be “interchangeable
with the word twit” and having actually “been using it all over the village”, don’t assume
this is amusingly uncommon. When you jovially tell your sister, you might be told “Our mum & dad thought exactly the same, I had to break it
to them that it was swearing”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #0c343d;">#50:</span></b> Your wife will <i>never </i>give you a hard time about
taking your daughter to the coarsely-languaged environment of a football
stadium once she’s indulged their shared love of dance by showing her Billy Elliott,
aware that it’s a 15 certificate, but having forgotten just how incredibley sweary it is</span><o:p></o:p></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-74536509983579051092012-11-04T11:31:00.000+00:002013-08-28T10:41:34.276+01:00Not Autistic, Just Really Likes Horses<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My little boy’s speech-development, first mentioned in an
earlier <a href="http://kids-career-marriage-life.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/little-more-conversation.html" target="_blank">post</a>, didn’t catch up quickly as we expected. In the end, with mild
concerns of autism, I took him to see a speech therapist - just to check
everything was ok and to get some tips on helping his development. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was reassuring. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He’s what they call “a child of his
own agenda” - while he can play happily with other people and pick up their language,
he’d just sometimes rather not<b><span style="color: blue;">*</span></b>. Mainly because there seems to be something
else he prefers… Here are some extracts from the therapist’s report:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>“He was reluctant to leave the toy farm and begin an adult-led
activity. However, when the toy horses were moved to the table top, he did come
and sit as required.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>“He happily attended an activity of his own choice (he
particularly enjoyed playing with the toy horses for a long period of time)”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>“He produced many single words during the session e.g.
‘horse’ and ‘horses’”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>“Less horse toys should be visible at future sessions”</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuSL-_MJo-NICAWjWqvKCEJY_4Xoc1_WvrfLOJxfM1ZSuuI8_O-Oc6W4XZGxTC_H4xcZZfZ5GX5q1cFIU-Dl6P2vUQPmhQfzd8ei_pVAiRECVMgxLX2rwq3T_-oLLOBM0onZUN9SX_uDo/s1600/horses208-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuSL-_MJo-NICAWjWqvKCEJY_4Xoc1_WvrfLOJxfM1ZSuuI8_O-Oc6W4XZGxTC_H4xcZZfZ5GX5q1cFIU-Dl6P2vUQPmhQfzd8ei_pVAiRECVMgxLX2rwq3T_-oLLOBM0onZUN9SX_uDo/s320/horses208-001.jpg" width="294" /></a><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He’s confirmed as showing no signs of autism - the
problem is just his small vocabulary, rather than any reluctance/inability to chat (which
is consistent with him not coherently being able to tell me he’s hungry, but
being fine telling me <i>“Go big on Frankel’s final race Daddy, it may be the
softest going he’s encountered and the odds are a miserly 2-11, but he is just
unbeatable”</i><b><span style="color: blue;">**</span></b>) So it’s a shame that he’s not going to rake in a load of money
counting cards<b><span style="color: blue;">***</span></b>… but he’ll hopefully be a good jockey or tipster instead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We're trying extra-hard to help him learn more <i>non-equine</i> words and our new childcare
arrangement, which gives him more 1:1 attention during the day, is also helping a
lot. The switch to a nanny came about when our little girl finished nursery and
started going to a new school, no longer the one where our child-minder’s
children go, meaning logistics of that arrangement wouldn’t work…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our daughter initially struggled to settle at new <i>legally-have-to-go-now</i>
school. Getting dressed into the uniform and during the school run each morning
there were lots of tears. There was also a lapse back into bed-wetting and
sucking her fingers. We talked to her about both…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On wetting the bed, she was sad about it but didn’t know
what to do because she just kept having dreams about going to the toilet </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">and
then waking up wet <span style="font-size: x-small;">(I think we’ve all been there…)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>The Internet</i> tells me that, in dreams, <i>“toilets can often
link to bad experiences we have just had, emotional situations, and intense
fears”</i>. So it was hopefully just a matter of riding out the settling-in
phase. In the meantime, I picked her up and sat her on the potty as I came
upstairs for bed each night, meaning she was generally running-on-empty by the
time latrine-dreams came. And having the potty upstairs proved useful all-round
as our bathroom was out of action for a refurbishment at the same time.. (The only potty downside was <a href="https://twitter.com/dadulthood/status/253772921380683776/photo/1" target="_blank">this</a>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With finger-sucking, the timing was good as we had the
encouragement of less/more presents at her upcoming birthday depending on
behaviour (with the back-up of Christmas if it’s not totally nailed
post-birthday).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the end, everything settled down again within 3-4 weeks. She was
soon running into the playground happily with her new friends, going on play-dates
after school and generally being back to her old self.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was nice that all this coincided with a slow period in
my job, enabling me to be around for her more than usual (and to help my little
boy learn more non-horse words… like <i>zebra</i>). My new job starts next week. Back
to the challenges of two parents both working full-pelt…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><span style="color: blue;">*</span></b> The irony of me having stayed home drafting this post
on my own, rather than going on a works night-out isn’t lost on me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><span style="color: blue;">**</span></b> That’s how it happened. I didn’t work alone. Honest. He
made me do it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>***</b></span> Yes, all my knowledge of autism comes from the film
<i>Rainman</i>. What of it?</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Learned Wisdoms<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #073763;">#43:</span></b> When you’re in a museum or aquarium and are asked
for the hundredth time “Can I touch this?” by your daughter, your bubbling
annoyance can be reduced by thinking about the fact that MC Hammer may have
kids. And that this situation must be even worse for him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">[Looked it up, turns out he’s got five…]</span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #073763;">#44:</span></b> Caring about your children’s vocabulary and grammar
is important, but planning to concoct your own “No, More Tears” shampoo out of
lemon juice & vinegar as a lesson in the importance of punctuation is
probably going a bit far.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #073763;">#45:</span></b> It does feel early, but it turns out that November
is a fine time to start reaping the behaviour-improvement benefits of telling
your children that, when the red light comes on the motion sensor in the corner
of the room, "It means Santa is watching".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><b>#46:</b></span> If your daughter’s new class at school has 21x girls
and only 5x boys, it’s certainly just a chromosome-related coincidence. You don’t
need to start eyeing the admissions people with suspicion just because Jimmy
Saville’s in the news.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #073763;">#47: </span></b>The school run is pretty monotonous. But mixing
things up by dropping your child at a different school each day probably isn’t
the answer.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-66446849662277157872012-10-30T08:35:00.000+00:002013-08-28T10:25:38.738+01:00Web-Slinging and Grand-Theft Pastry<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana;"></span></strong><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With work being as it was for both of us this year we
hadn’t had a holiday by the end of August. And then our daughter started school
in September, constraining us around term-dates for the next decade at least.
So. Here we are. Paying a massive premium for a holiday that would have been 10
degrees hotter a month ago. Still, it’s nice to have a rest and let the mind
wander a bit. I’d like to say I’m mulling-over possible solutions for the Euro
zone crisis or the plight of Palestine… but I’m not. I’m fixated with the problems
in my own back-yard. And out the front. Namely spiders… and foxes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR2Sc-n93maN9G9ZEsx4MW-YaIZ63qDY-GvOklf4Tla1f3u6ZRD1mUdW8sJxgpC1MXECgSi2WO97_ShVoZRfZrzJg_PKGXVF10ycYVHfBorg91yLl4a8hBVt1pyU4NX-G9qgLoGDmCUb4/s1600/Aliens-screenshot-545.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR2Sc-n93maN9G9ZEsx4MW-YaIZ63qDY-GvOklf4Tla1f3u6ZRD1mUdW8sJxgpC1MXECgSi2WO97_ShVoZRfZrzJg_PKGXVF10ycYVHfBorg91yLl4a8hBVt1pyU4NX-G9qgLoGDmCUb4/s320/Aliens-screenshot-545.jpg" width="294" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Spiders first. There’s increasingly greater numbers of
increasingly big eight-legged guys surrounding our house. And they’re aggressively
target-ambitious. To date, locations of huge and surprisingly-thick webs
(seemingly spun overnight) have included: the space between two hedges above
our front gate; filling the entire external frame of the back door; and between
the seat and the handlebars of my moped. We had joked about a load of them
catching one of us and dragging the unlucky victim to an underground cavern as
offering to a giant spider over-lord, like in that Harry Potter film*. But when
they started targeting the entrance gap in the netting around the kids’ trampoline,
I really started to get concerned - <i>have they </i>actually <i>learned to go for
smaller human targets?</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We’re currently on holiday and I’m worried that, without
my daily demolition of their night-shift progress, they’ll get a real strong
footing and we’ll come home to a suburban approximation of the film Aliens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As for foxes, while there’s no obvious sign of a child-abduction
plot from them, they have actually started on a pretty solid campaign of larceny.
I talked in a previous <a href="http://kids-career-marriage-life.blogspot.pt/2011/08/men-are-from-earth-women-are-also-from.html" target="_blank">post <span style="font-size: x-small;">(Learned Wisdon #16)</span></a> about them ripping into our bins, but now they’re
stealing our food deliveries. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On a Saturday morning we get milk, bacon, eggs, sliced
bread and croissants left on the doorstep by the milkman. To the great
disappointment of my daughter, for the last three weeks the only thing left
when I open the door is milk and sliced bread. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The bacon and eggs I can understand,<i> but the croissants</i>??
Their instincts and digestive-systems surely aren’t designed for continental breakfasts.
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">[looks out window, sees fox in beret and stripy jumper cycling past with onions
round neck]</span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, it’ll be a short-lived problem. It’s only a
matter of time before I wake up to find all the region’s foxes cocooned in
webbing on our lawn. Hopefully. <span style="font-size: x-small;">(Must remember to research any recorded cases
of spiders and foxes forming an alliance to achieve unified strategic goals
with unexpectedly powerful efficiency… <i>may possibly have to go less specific on
the search terms</i>)</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">By the way, for those of you who know where I live, obviously
all that <i>‘currently on holiday’</i> stuff was artistic licence. Don’t get any burglarisation
ideas. Really I’m sat at home right now with a f*cking big guard <s>dog</s> <i>spider-fox-army</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">* the one with the spiders</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Learned Wisdoms<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #073763;">#42:</span></b> Occasionally taking children out of school for the
odd few days for holidays during their early years probably isn’t a problem to
their development, but be careful with their understanding of the official line
or you will get an angry call from the headmaster… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">Teacher (at the end of a Thursday):</span></b> “Toby, don’t take
your gym bag home tonight – you’ll need it for P.E. tomorrow”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">My friend’s nephew, Toby</span> <span style="font-size: x-small;">(clasping his gym bag firmly as
he walked out the door)</span>:</b> “Actually Miss, I won’t need it tomorrow… because I’m
not going to be very well tomorrow”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-24656998490163325422012-08-25T00:33:00.000+01:002013-08-28T13:22:26.138+01:00Summer of Sport, Autumn of Change<div style="text-align: justify;">
<em><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">European Championships + Wimbledon + Tour De France + Olympics = no posts for the last couple of months...</span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Brilliant summer. Few changes on the way now in our house...</span><br />
<strong style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></strong>
<strong style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Change 1 - New school</strong></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We got our little girl into the school we wanted (the one associated with the church we go to - see <em>learned wisdom #22</em> on </span><a href="http://kids-career-marriage-life.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/dazing-confusing-school-decisions.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">this</span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> post). She starts in September. Great news, you'd think. It has much better Ofsted than the school where she currently goes to nursery and the kids tend to go on to better upper schools, which hopefully has a positive impact on her options. However, all her little friends are staying at the current school and she's really sad about not moving on with them. Also the school she's moving to is very one-dimensional class & culture-wise (<em>all white, all middle-class, all the time</em>). My wife and I were starting to wonder if we'd made the wrong call, but a couple of minor funny incidents eased our minds:</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><strong>--</strong></span> I was talking about this conundrum with a friend who has a daughter in the school where my little girl currently goes to nursery. She said the school was generally good, but there were a couple of things that weren't ideal. When I asked for examples she said her daughter had come home recently and proclaimed, "I've got a boyfriend..." <em>Ok, thought my friend, 5's a bit young, but not the end of the world.</em> "... He's also going out with Diamond. But I'm his <em>best</em> girlfriend." </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><strong>--</strong></span> Next up, we were on a long journey up from London to my parents' in Yorkshire. As we got on to the M62 and into yet more jammed-traffic with 5 hrs of travel already behind us, my little girl shouted, "<em>When</em> will we get out of this <em>BLOODY</em> car??" [Admittedly I can't forensically trace that back to nursery school friends... she <em>may</em> have picked it up at home]</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><strong>--</strong></span> Another day, she was doing some sort of generic misbehaviour. I responded with some sort of generic instruction to stop. It then got interesting when she said <em>"You're not the boss of me. Jesus is the boss of me."</em> The current school is <em>heavily</em> catholic. I like the idea of her having faith... but not to the point where she won't recognise all the necessary layers of earthly middle-management.</span><br />
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<strong style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Change 2 - Childcare solution</strong></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our childminder went on holiday at short notice for two weeks. We scrambled around for cover and ended up with a temporary nanny...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It. Was. Amazing...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Time in the morning with the kids was suddenly nice because we could just talk to and play with them without the stress of dressing them against their disproportionately-strong wills (pretty sure experience has qualified me to get any similar-sized angry creature into clothing, even the difficult stuff - if you need a badger forcing into a swimming-costume & cap, or an otter squeezed into a leotard, just give me a shout... I won't ask any questions). Plus there was no job of dropping them off at the childminder, so every morning suddenly felt loads more relaxed</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">. As a result we're going to bite the bullet on the extra money and switch to a nanny from mid-September. Though the situation may change in November based on...</span><br />
<strong style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></strong>
<strong style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Change 3 - My Job</strong></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For the last two-&-a-half years I've been working for the organising committee of that big sportsday that happened in London recently. After the Paralympics and some wrap-up work, my contract ends in October. What next?..</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">With my daughter's schooling and my wife's career, I'm not in a position to move to Rio (next Olympics) or Sochi (next winter Olympics) or even Glasgow (next Commonwealth Games), so the looming option is a move back into a 'normal' corporate-type organisation. But there is <em>the other</em> option...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Given the amount that childcare costs each month, it wouldn't be an insurmountable dent on our income if I went full-time <em>domestique</em>*. This came to mind when concerns about <a href="http://kids-career-marriage-life.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/two-jobs-two-kids-too-much.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">my little boy's speech</span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> didn't go away as easily as I'd hoped (more about this in the future). He's generally moving in the right direction, but me being around to ensure all the therapy techniques are being done 100% every day would provide a boost. (Though I do see a minor risk that after a couple of months he'd still be the same, with my vocab having massively-reduced.)</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjVSNZrzx8hNL_lBEHZowTYsrhokw8SqL0ThD-pgXk-WRAouO_yTq9o46NqUqLFqQTup-Fm-Z_Ir7OZ_c5EpMP0sUZhlwzyim_Z4gFqgBoejHoH4abd43cO5rKAFwEcOUICSixjEJWarw/s1600/summer+sport-001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjVSNZrzx8hNL_lBEHZowTYsrhokw8SqL0ThD-pgXk-WRAouO_yTq9o46NqUqLFqQTup-Fm-Z_Ir7OZ_c5EpMP0sUZhlwzyim_Z4gFqgBoejHoH4abd43cO5rKAFwEcOUICSixjEJWarw/s320/summer+sport-001.JPG" width="293" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another factor contributing to this run-the-house thought may have been when I recently got <em>far</em> too enthusiastic about the purchase, install and subsequent use a <em>pullymaid</em> (a rack you hang washing on then pull up to the ceiling with a rope/pulley-system). I'd like to say my excitement was about the better use of space in our house, removing the basically-permanent airer from our lounge and having washing out of the way above the stairs. Sadly it was probably more because the whole ropes/hoisting thing made me feel <em>a bit piratey</em>.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">It's been interesting to reconsider the prospect of becoming a one-career family, but I don't think it'd realistically be a long-term solution. So I'll see how the job-hunt goes and take it from there...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">* That's what I'd call my job in that situation at dinner parties. Give it a bit of a sporting, <em>Chris Froom</em>-style slant... hopefully I wouldn't get asked any follow-up questions.</span><br />
<em style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><br /></span></em>
<em style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><br /></span></em>
<em style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Learned Wisdoms</span></em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> gets this month off, replaced by...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Dadulthood Notes on the Sporting Summer</strong></span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><br /></strong></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #134f5c;">#I:</span></strong> How cool was Bradley Wiggins? Generally the most laid-back, unaffected super-dad on the planet... Stepping onto the podium to be proclaimed winner of the Tour de France in front of half a million people on the Champs Elysees, having a microphone thrust in his hand and, with a straight face, saying "We're just going to draw the raffle numbers". And saying he wouldn't be going after loads more wins<em> because of all the time required away from the family</em> was quite nice (though he had just been away for around 7 months at that point... would like to hear his thoughts again after a few days of dinner-spillages and <em>Dora the Explorer</em>).</span><br />
<strong style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><br /></span></strong>
<strong style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">#II:</span></strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> Poland & Ukraine's Euro 2012 </span><em style="font-family: Verdana;">'kick racism back into football'</em><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> campaign seemed a strange move. Good that it didn't really take off in the end.</span><br />
<strong style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><br /></span></strong>
<strong style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">#III:</span></strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> England were well-organised and probably the best team in Euro 2012 "without the ball". Unfortunately, that was a predictably unuseful skill-set in a penalty shoot-out.</span><br />
<strong style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><br /></span></strong>
<strong style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">#IV:</span></strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> Nice for Ivan Lendl to have coached Andy Murray to the equalling of his record... he's no longer the only person to have lost his first 4 grand slam finals.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">(Great to see Murray win at Wimbledon in the Olympics. Hopefully a good omen for the future)</span><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><br /></span></b>
<b style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">#V: </span></b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">That German Olympic Official could have avoided his opening ceremony salute being interpreted as a Nazi one by, er, not making it look like a Nazi one.</span><br />
<strong style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><br /></span></strong>
<strong style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">#VI:</span></strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> Great to see Nicola Adams' historic gold medal win in the boxing. And it has probably moved her up to being about the 8th hardest woman in Leeds.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Verdana;"><strong><br /></strong></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Verdana;"><strong>#VII:</strong></span><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> Australia's boycott of the 2012 Olympics was unusual. And would probably have been more successful if they'd let people know what their demands were.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><strong><br /></strong></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><strong>#VIII:</strong></span> The quality of guests on the sofa each night for the BBC's </span><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Olympics highlights show was great (Michael Johnson, John McEnroe, Kelly Holmes, Ian Thorpe, etc.)... quite funny how they were frequently asked to comment on sports they know very little about though. Kelly Holmes' insight on Cav & Team GB not winning the road</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> race was along the lines of: <em>I'm not a cyclist, but it looks like <span style="color: black;">they got the tactics wrong</span></em></span><br />
<strong style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><br /></span></strong>
<strong style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">#IX:</span></strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> Not strictly sporting, but George Michael playing some 'new stuff' at the Olympic closing ceremony? Really? Hopefully he'll get a fuller Olympic experience by failing a drugs test and then being edited out of the DVD</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Verdana;"><strong><br /></strong></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Verdana;"><strong>#X:</strong> <span style="color: black;">Top Tip for Spandau Ballet...</span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> boost royalty payments by also writing songs called "Silver", "Bronze" and "Knocked out in the heats"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br /></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-46561591957779180952012-05-31T23:41:00.001+01:002013-08-28T11:03:56.784+01:00Taking Back The Living Room<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We didn't expect to have a nice, tidy, toyless lounge at this point, but it had got ridiculous. The corner of the room earmarked for toy storage was full-to-overflowing and toys were (even in 'tidy-mode') on all surfaces in all parts of the room, smothering it like those parasitic vines that cover trees and suffocate them of their tasteful decor, calmness and ability to sit-down comfortably.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It came to a head when, in a discussion about taking toys she'd grown out of to the charity shop (because there was no space for them), our daughter looked around the room and said "But there's space there" [<i>gestures with both hands towards the small piece of floor between the sofa and the telly</i>]</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Time for a change...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqZQ30MPPxZhTbsZxdoumbegNGKHv9uOF840qWAr8kVOjfjVlQtzJpM-7wEGnYnTu8nFaWioGaOSi7EodZk2Bkl_n4yDuXbPFh_wYCT3DWhGFGsSJ9klGcwySZI0R6JL_EPENjq8RwSSQ/s1600/toy+lounge-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqZQ30MPPxZhTbsZxdoumbegNGKHv9uOF840qWAr8kVOjfjVlQtzJpM-7wEGnYnTu8nFaWioGaOSi7EodZk2Bkl_n4yDuXbPFh_wYCT3DWhGFGsSJ9klGcwySZI0R6JL_EPENjq8RwSSQ/s320/toy+lounge-001.jpg" width="292" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our little boy recently got big enough to start sleeping in the bottom of the bunk bed. I'd taken his cot-bed out of their room and given it to friends. And into that space we moved the toy cabinet and 95% of the play-shrapnel that had been covering what </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">was</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">once a living room where adults could sit in the evening without being reminded of the film </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Big</i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was surprisingly liberating. And, added bonus, having more things to do in their bedroom when they wake up buys us a little bit of lie-in time on the weekends before they both slip out of their room, climb silently onto our bed and jump heavily onto our sleeping, unprotected bodies. <span style="font-size: x-small;">(My default sleep-position has evolved into a lying-down version of the <i>footballer-in-a-defensive-wall</i> pose.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Alongside ground-floor-reclamation, there's been a couple of other nice developments recently:</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our little girl has started putting clothes on herself, which reduces dressing-related time/stress by 33% in the mornings (I've still got to clothe my trouser-repellent little boy <i>and </i><span style="font-size: x-small;">*heavy sigh*</span> myself... <i>recent optimistic google search: "buy Wallace & Gromit-style auto-dressing machine"</i>)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The kids are able to clean up after themselves a bit. Even our little boy, when he spills milk on the floor - if passed some kitchen roll - will do a pretty effective job of wiping it up, then go and put it in the bin. Brilliant. (Is 2 too young to start teaching a child to mow a lawn?)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My little girl makes me laugh in ways beyond <i>just-being-really-cute</i>. We were walking by the Thames in Putney early one Sunday and Boris Johnson was there preparing to do some filming. We walked right by him and I said to her, "That man there is the mayor of London!". She looked at him, turned back to me, shook her had and softly said, "No. I don't think so."</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They play together really nicely, which is great because - while I really love playing with them - it's nice to have the occasional minute on the evenings & weekends when I can move away to do something without being whined at for neglecting my duties as a ballet-student/pirate/bear-hunter/Justin Bieber</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They're starting to show an interest in sports. My little girl even expressing retrospective disappointment that I didn't take her with me to watch Huddersfield in the League One play-off final last weekend... I'm savouring her current enthusiasm, as I'm pretty sure it'll be gone about 17 minutes into the first Town game I take her to watch</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While the kids certainly aren't perfect (they frequently whine if I won't carry them; often have toilet-accidents; and are prone to dissolving when immersed in mercury), things have started to feel a bit easier recently. To the point where</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">, after resolving </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">toymageddon</i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">, I did even catch myself thinking "Well. Isn't this lovely? It's like the end of an episode of Quantum Leap where everything's fallen nicely into place. And things will probably just keep getting easier from here..."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then my little girl ran into the room naked, jumped onto the sofa and gyrated around while singing "I'm sexy and I know it" over and over again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Oh boy</i>...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><b>#40:</b></span> You'll be excited when your little girl enjoys doing karaoke with you on the playstation. Even more so when she graduates off the Disney disc onto the chart versions. Then less so when she latches onto Aqua's <i>Barbie Girl</i> and sings it repeatedly, i) because there's some pretty negative messages in there that may detract from her learning that a woman is not dependent upon anyone else to make her feel good about herself, that self-esteem comes not from others but from within, and that the pursuit of social acceptance should never drive us into degrading situations; and ii) <i>because it's shite</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #073763;">#41:</span></b> If your kids' increasing ability to do things for themselves is conflicting with carry-both-children-up-the-stairs-to-the-child-minder's-flat-every-morning being the cornerstone of your exercise regime, then recognise that the '<i>as they get gradually bigger, I'll get gradually stronger</i>' logic doesn't actually seem to hold anyway (as your gradually more achy spine and gradually more clicky elbows will testify)</span></div>
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dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-49735109564888727642012-04-29T22:14:00.002+01:002013-08-28T13:22:44.556+01:00Time is an Increasingly Poor Healer<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The other week my daughter, my son and I had near-identical cuts on our knees (<i>running tumble, playground spill</i> and <i>football incident</i> respectively). On the Tuesday morning we initially noticed and compared them. And every night we looked again to see how they were doing. By Thursday both their cuts were entirely healed, whereas mine was still much the same. In the end it took me <i>three times</i> longer to heal. Compared to me they seem like Wolverine - w</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">e all know that physical deterioration is a fact of getting older, but I don't need a clear set of data points rubbing my body's decline in my face...</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(By the way, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I can't stress enough that this was just a </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><u>complete coincidence</u></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">. I love a controlled experiment, but not enough to cut up my children)</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Don't get the wrong impression, I'm not dilapidated just yet. While I'm no <i>Brad-Pitt-in-Fight-Club</i>, I'm in better shape, for example, than <i>you</i>. (And even your mate who just did the marathon in sub-4hrs... <i>though admittedly probably not your mate who did it sub-3:30</i>). But even if I'm relatively fit for </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">a 34 yr old parent, I'm still noticing significant crumblage from my i</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">ssue-free </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">earlier-years physicality:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeWuoKXqmdAJDYJgqFIIlU5ThGgMP8UqQh5V-ZY7pTNsKkp6dgHmBp3YuLgO_UZdjzxkhUz7hrkzJU_KJESrdiAcwYHI1yAOzWbEUAP9gtVOblkLQh-YcWhqJxMaSYbbjwzaRqvDgksBQ/s1600/mumm-ra-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeWuoKXqmdAJDYJgqFIIlU5ThGgMP8UqQh5V-ZY7pTNsKkp6dgHmBp3YuLgO_UZdjzxkhUz7hrkzJU_KJESrdiAcwYHI1yAOzWbEUAP9gtVOblkLQh-YcWhqJxMaSYbbjwzaRqvDgksBQ/s320/mumm-ra-001.jpg" width="292" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-- I remember playing tennis or football for literally whole days with no ill-effects. Now after I play football or go for a decent run, my legs are super-stiff for the next two days </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-- If I'm stood up all day, my left knee aches all night </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-- I used to be able to bench press over 100kg. Now I can't. <span style="font-size: x-small;">(And I'd rather not go into by how much I can't...)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-- I had an MRI on my back (after a football injury) last year that showed noticeable wear on the discs between my vertebrae</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">... nothing too worrying, but enough to suggest that in my later years I'm not going to be one of those ancient Mr Miyagi-types who can still do tai chi on the beach, fight off a gang of baddies and clean a car* before breakfast.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">* Never mind "wax on, wax off" - old future-me will probably be exhausted </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">before getting out of bed even </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">if he just </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">wax off</span></i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Everyone knows that people don't live forever and that physical abilities decline with age... but I suppose we all struggle to imagine it happening to us. It will though. And the already-notable differences between me and my kids has drummed that home for me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We play a game where: <i>they climb up on a chair and jump into my arms; I throw them onto the bed; they climb down and back up onto the chair; </i>etc, etc; <i>repeat-to-fade</i>... </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">this afternoon w</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">e played it non-stop for 30 mins - <i>half-an-hour!</i> I had to fake needing the toilet and go lie on the bathroom floor for a few minutes - they could have Duracell-bunnied that game on into the night.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've got to accept that some of the self-esteem I get from my ability to perform solid sporting exertions will have to come from other places in the future. I wouldn't mind, but the children are already catching up in some of these other places. For example, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I like a bit of darts and feel pretty safe that I'll be able to keep playing, continue getting better and be on a par with younger people at that into my old age. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then recently my little girl had her first go...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><b>#39:</b></span> You may be excited to find that having a really cold bath after football or running works like a lesser version of the Welsh rugby union team's <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/rugby-union/16683100" target="_blank">cryogenic therapy</a> and means that you don't subsequently get stiffness from lactic acid. That benefit will, however, by outweighed by the psychological damage encountered if you accidentally glance at your genitals while in the freezing bath.</span></div>
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dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-20647909713225933422012-03-31T18:20:00.001+01:002013-08-28T10:31:17.238+01:00A Little More Conversation?<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My little boy is two-&-a-bit years old now. He doesn't really talk like our little girl did at the same age and apparently he should have about 50 words by now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He's got some, but not nearly that many. They include</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> <i>D</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>addy, Mummy, Milk, That, Ball</i> and <i>Are</i>... he's definitely got "are", no question about it...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">... I'm counting it!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">(Now all I need is to source a series of songs that showcase each word in the English language at the end of their choruses, within his range of pitch.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The doctor and health visitor both said he's probably fine, but suggested he might see a speech therapist as a precaution.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We haven't done that yet as he seems to understand and respond correctly when we talk to him ("Get back into bed"; "Stop doing that"; "Drop it into 3rd, get your foot down and overtake that Volvo"; etc.) and the words he knows, he uses in context.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The health visitor suggested one of the things I might want to try is holding his head still in front of mine (so he has to look straight at my face) and saying words so he can watch how my mouth moves as I pronounce them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I tried this while we were </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">sat on the side </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">at the swimming baths as his sister had her lesson. I showed him my pen and exaggeratedly mouthed "PEN" at him (somehow making it about five syllables). Then pointed at the water and told him "POOL"... h</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">e didn't say anything, but he snatched my pen, ran and threw it in the water. I couldn't fault his logic.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This concern has made us think about the fact that he gets slightly different attention from us than his sister did at the same age (when there was just her). In the bedtime melee we've tended to read her a book but not him. And she often gets the choice of show when they watch TV... meaning he doesn't see as much of the little kids' <i>gobbledy baby-talk</i> programmes that may (or may not) help with language development. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So we've addressed that... I really like reading him stories, but I'm not that keen on having <i>Iggle Piggle</i> back in my life (that guy is a liability - I'd hate to work with him... <i>Macca Pakka,</i> on the other hand, I'd employ in a heartbeat - great work ethic. And very clean).</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihzPQ7qryoCsXEjKCfQ6ASK2H9HXTe1sjBLqBNKaCoB8u5lT-oXglMjBOK_YTQf-uXb7BiPYcD3vlwB0Fbq8f8hD4hvvhg9-3XufzMRti_eEbfo6oxASPFr8AMCLPxhFJvi5kRgeZ59o4/s1600/baby+fish+sally-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihzPQ7qryoCsXEjKCfQ6ASK2H9HXTe1sjBLqBNKaCoB8u5lT-oXglMjBOK_YTQf-uXb7BiPYcD3vlwB0Fbq8f8hD4hvvhg9-3XufzMRti_eEbfo6oxASPFr8AMCLPxhFJvi5kRgeZ59o4/s320/baby+fish+sally-001.jpg" width="276" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We're not really too worried... as Michael McIntyre says, it's not like some girl will be introducing my son to her parents in 20 years time and all he'll be able to tell them is "<i>MILK. BALL!</i>" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In fact, I'm actually getting suspicious that he can speak fine - it just suits him not to... Subconsciously, we maybe treat him as slightly younger and don't discipline him as much for things like hitting as we would if he could communicate. His sister has picked up on this and has taken to reminding me, "</span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Daddy, when he </i><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">can </i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>talk, don't forget to tell him off for all the naughty things he has done to me so far</i>". If he's clocked that, no wonder he's linguistically reticent.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The other thing that's potentially in-play is that he's more exposed to Portuguese than our daughter was. Slight childminding-arrangement-changes mean he spends more time than she did with our childminder's Portuguese mother. Apparently <a href="http://www.babycenter.com/404_is-it-true-that-children-in-bilingual-families-start-talking_10336897.bc" target="_blank">children exposed to multiple languages at an early age pick them both up but are slower to start talking</a>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It doesn't seem to have had a major cultural impact though - I was telling him about Chelsea beating Benfica in the Champions' League the other night and he didn't seem bothered either way.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's all too easy to worry unnecessarily about development. But, the fact is, there's nothing significantly wrong and he'll no-doubt catch up. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm a little impatient though, as I'm really looking forward to hearing what he has to say about things. But on the other hand, if he talks as much as his sister did between two & three - and with similar <i>value-of-content</i> - I'll probably look back on this as a relative period of golden tranquillity.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #134f5c;">#38:</span></b> Much as you might want to, you can't claim that your son can</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> say "</span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't want to</i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">" if he only pronounces it via the action of<i> t</i></span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">hrowing whatever's in his hand at your head, lying down</i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> and </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">crying</i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">.</span></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-9448225021944764902012-02-26T22:53:00.001+00:002013-08-28T10:43:22.202+01:0028 Days Later<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">About 4 weeks ago, illness began to rampage through our house. Like some kind of tiny army capable of travelling airborne from target to target and able to survive independently on surfaces for 2 hours or longer between enemy contact. Only not as far-fetched.<br />
It’s inevitable that children will get sick now and again, given they spend their days hanging round with other children, all of whom are filthy. And home they come. Like Trojan horses that you know are full of bad things, but which you still bring inside because you love them (and/or because it’s generally frowned upon and gets a bit awkward to refuse their entry).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">There are minimal steps you can take to isolate yourself from getting it. You can only hold your breath for so long. And the idea of setting up your spare room as a kind of solitary confinement with meal slot is apparently “a bit weird”. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So you get sick too. A friend of ours, prior to having children, had contacted maybe three tummy bugs in her life. Now she says it’s an every-other-month visitor. The proportional change in the frequency of getting sick pre/post becoming a parent is the inverse of what happens to the frequency with which you can: <em>have a lie-in; dose yourself up to the point where operating heavy machinery would be discouraged; spend the day relaxing and doing nothing</em>… i.e. all the things you need to do to get over sickness quickly. So it lingers.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">This time round our little girl got what we believed was scarlet fever from our child-minder’s son. Not fun but, while it would have meant death in the 1800s, it’s easily curable today – yet another reason why it’s better to live in the 21st century than the 19th (once fashion’s cyclicality brings back the buxomly-corseted look, days of yore will really have zero advantages). Anyway, it turned out to just be a bit of a cough. A bad one, mind. And I was next to go down. (It’s impossible to conclusively isolate the moment I got infected, but having my daughter suddenly cough directly into my mouth while I was talking to her is suspect #1.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQj-CEo6xH9PWNNImfAjUYhiUV7PWTQ5b01l6Wr6GMJT1z3pK0SFcV_iir2wzF9o3tv1jmxudUrtcBOY5jn8czlbJON4NVYBmmEf6yTH_SWyjElPEY8eeBEFw0cprfPvB_U60MmGhaPEs/s1600/monkey-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQj-CEo6xH9PWNNImfAjUYhiUV7PWTQ5b01l6Wr6GMJT1z3pK0SFcV_iir2wzF9o3tv1jmxudUrtcBOY5jn8czlbJON4NVYBmmEf6yTH_SWyjElPEY8eeBEFw0cprfPvB_U60MmGhaPEs/s320/monkey-1.jpg" width="277" /></a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It’s hard enough trying to keep delivering at work when you’re poorly, but now there’s the added complication of looking after ill kids as well... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Our child-minder has three children of her own, including a tiny baby so, understandably, she doesn’t really want our children coming in her house when they’re bugged-up (even wearing the bee-keeper/scuba suit hybrid I suggested to contain their germs). So my wife and I have to compare diaries, work out who can least-disastrously manage to work from home that day, shuffle meetings around and do our best.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Trying to have a conference call with a pretty demanding 4yr-old at your side isn’t the easiest. Particularly if it turns out you’ve gone <em>off-beat</em>* with the mute button, meaning key bits of your input are missed but everyone clearly hears your daughter’s stipulations that The Gruffalo should be put on <em>now</em> and that juice needs to be served as a matter of urgency.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">About a month later all four of us have been poorly with various periods of overlap. It took me in particular a frustratingly/embarrassingly long time to shake it off. But we were all just about right again by the end of last week. Just in time for the note from pre-school on Friday that numerous cases of head-lice have been reported in my daughter’s class…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #073763;">Learned Wisdoms<br />
#37:</span></strong> Even if you’re the staunchest of handkerchief-carriers the fact that, during times of sickness when you’ve your own <em>and</em> two little noses to deal with, you end up carrying three different types of mucus around in your pocket will cause you to reconsider the benefits of disposable tissues.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">* No surprise, given it was my poor rhythm four years ago that kick-started the chain of events leading to the circumstances of the phone call</span></span></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-43995006188300615052012-01-27T23:30:00.005+00:002013-08-28T13:23:01.631+01:00Musical Differences<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I like music. (Yes... these are the kind of intimate truths I reveal in this blog. <i>Hold on tight.</i>) So do both my children. They dance a lot and both have distinctive and hilarious moves, so it's fun to have music on as often as possible. The problem is, what to listen to? Generally a 33 yr old seems to have quite different taste to a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. And there's a very small sweet spot of tunes that they like to dance to that don't make me want to push my fingers into my ears until they touch.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA2tZwS8rqvBk7lTqQvWKZnBSfSE0jX6cbtIFNS5vlwjGNCLFnNJn0DA0tRZOUxqhLmGh-l1h0mUxaAjW6kIidBsrS8O_3EJMbdTiZYorT48PmSVls12NsurAQh2bNd6v0NDnE6BOL41I/s1600/PARENTAL-ADVISORY-logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA2tZwS8rqvBk7lTqQvWKZnBSfSE0jX6cbtIFNS5vlwjGNCLFnNJn0DA0tRZOUxqhLmGh-l1h0mUxaAjW6kIidBsrS8O_3EJMbdTiZYorT48PmSVls12NsurAQh2bNd6v0NDnE6BOL41I/s200/PARENTAL-ADVISORY-logo.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The be fair, my default musical <i>type</i> is melancholic acoustic folk, which never moved a person to dance (other than metaphorically through a lonely, existential malaise) so I was always going to have to visit the outlying regions of my taste to find tracks that ticked all our boxes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Similarly, my 4 yr old girl's natural bent wasn't helping our cause. JLS <i>Breathe Again</i> got a lot of airtime in our house before I just had to tell her that we couldn't play it any more. <i>Because the boys who sang it were sad that we always had it and they never got to listen to it</i>. (Don't judge me until you've listened to it ten times in a row.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We've since hit on a pretty steady stream of tunes that we all like and which stimulate a bit of dancing fun. Unfortunately nearly every tune we agree on seems to contain some level of <i>inappropriate content</i>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Out of habit, respect for <i>the way the artist intended it to be heard</i>, or just because I subconsciously really like naughty words, I never remember to click on 'clean version' when buying. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This has effectively </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">sentenced</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> me to ten years of hastily making-up similar-sounding clean lyrics and singing them loudly over the offending words. Every time. (Sooner or later, one of the kids is going to ask me why so many songs have <i>a duck </i>in them, or why tractors never get a mention yet people often sing about <i>diggers</i>.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Here's just a small sample of our favourites from the last couple of years:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><b>--</b> Sample lyric change</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I really <i><span style="color: #990000;">mucked </span></i>it up this time, didn't I my dear?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">[</span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Easy rhyme. Plausible lyric. No problem</span></i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">]</span></div>
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<b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">--</b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Typically-induced moves</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #0b5394;"><u>Little girl</u>:</span></i> Soldiery-style marching at increasing pace; leads into frantic banjo-driven twirling & flailing</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #0b5394;"><u>Little boy:</u></span></i> Knees bent, leaning forward, feet rooted to the spot, clenched fists, doing a frantic 'the twist' motion with arms and bum</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Katy Perry - Last Friday Night</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">-- Sample lyric change</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"We went <i><span style="color: #990000;">peeking </span></i>in the park; </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #990000;">lots of skipping</span></i> in the dark; </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">then had <i><span style="color: #990000;">an apricot bar</span></i>" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">[More challenging rhyming. Strange-but-<i>believable-ish-when-you're-4</i> lyrics]</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-- Typically-induced moves</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><u><i>Little girl:</i></u></span> Non-stop spinning around. Falling down dizzy</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><u><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">Little boy:</span></i></u> Knees bent, leaning forward, feet rooted to the spot, clenched fists, doing a frantic 'the twist' motion with arms and bum [Why change a winning formula?]</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Nicki Minaj - Super Bass</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">-- Sample lyric change</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"This one is for the boys in the polos; <i><span style="color: #990000;">Riding their diggers</span></i> in the moguls" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">[Easy-ish rhyme. Makes very little sense, but no questions have been raised as-yet]</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-- Typically-induced moves</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><u><i>Little girl:</i></u> </span>One hand on hip, one hand in hair, gyrating turns</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><u><i>Little boy:</i></u></span> Knees bent, leaning forward, feet rooted to the spot, clenched fists, doing a frantic 'the twist' motion with arms and bum [</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Doesn't work at all... at least he's enjoying himself]</span><br />
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<b style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Azealia Banks - 212</b><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-- Sample lyric change</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I guess that <i><span style="color: #990000;">bun </span></i>getting eaten" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">[Doesn't rhyme with the original word, but solid lyric and scans fairly well. Has side-effect that we do now tend to buy more buns]</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>... by the way, admittedly I sometimes zone-out and 'enjoy the sound' rather than properly listening to the lyrics, but how did I not notice that this was in no-way child appropriate??</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-- Typically-induced moves</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><u><span style="color: #0b5394;">Little girl:</span></u></i> Lots and lots and lots of wiggling</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><u><i>Little boy:</i></u></span> Knees bent, leaning forward, feet rooted to the spot, clenched fists, doing a frantic 'the twist' motion with arms and bum [Starting to worry about him a little bit]</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Learned Wisdoms</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">#36: </span></b>Just because the singer's got a Mickey Mouse t-shirt on doesn't mean absolute filth won't come out of her mouth. You should really notice this before your little girl has hit <i>replay video </i>for the third time.</span><br />
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</span>dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-65074395104399024452011-12-31T11:02:00.006+00:002013-08-28T13:23:15.148+01:00The Pursuit of Happyness<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Occasionally. Just Occasionally. I’ll be a bit jealous of the lifestyle my non-child-having friends enjoy. Both the flexibility and possibility of spontaneous-ism. And also the disposable income. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our combined salaries apparently put us in the top two per cent of UK households. But once you add time constraints and subtract <i>childcare costs/all the things we buy for the kids/saving for their future education</i> it results in 90% less ski trips, 100% more £5-limits on work-day lunches and infinitely less moonwalking-across-the-deck-of-a-yacht-moored-in-St-Tropez than I foresaw at these income levels.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However, human adaptability means we all get used to the patterns of our lives and quickly take things in our routine for granted, leaving </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolutionary_psychology" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;" target="_blank">evolutionary psychologists</a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> to say that happiness largely comes from "encountering unexpected positive events". So for Kanye West to feel sensationally happy he has to fly to Paris on a private jet full of Victoria’s Secret models. All it takes for me to achieve rapture is opening the kitchen bin to find I can drop my rubbish in it without having to first squish-down overflowing contents with my hands. Poor, poor Kanye West.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Plus fatherhood is getting more rewarding as the kids develop. My little girl is 4 now and is starting to be mildly hilarious (my little boy isn’t yet 2, but does a good line in facial expressions and energetic Scrappy-Doo-style assault). Conversations with other parents are also getting better. Where it was all monotonous patter about feeding cycles, behaviour-control techniques and how tired everyone is, there’s now lots of anecdotes about genuinely funny things that have happened. Ok, it’s not always as funny as days-gone-by chat with your friends about </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">drunken antics/sexual encounters/accidental puffin slaughter</i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">, but it’s entertaining stuff. Recent examples:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Friend tells us that her teacher called her to say there was a problem with her child’s language. Friend says “Oh bugger. What has she said?” Teacher replies “Bugger”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Wife tells me to stop being facetious. Daughter gasps, lowers voice and says “Don’t say that. The police will get you. It’s a bad word… like f*ck-it or oh-sh*t”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Sis-in-law finds 3 yr old son playing with huge kitchen knife. Goes spare at husband for letting him get hold of it. He later tells me that he walked past, saw tooled-up lad and – through a haze of pre-occupation, tiredness and just being very used to seeing both knives and</span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">his boy frequently (though separately) in day-to-day life – all that went through his head was “Huh. Nice knife son”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Crackers and jokes over Christmas lunch. Family and both sets of grandparents. Daughter wants to join in but, being unable to read her cracker joke, has to freestyle… “Everyone. Why did the duck cross the road with only pants and no vest on?.. To get to the sexy cow” </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge3zdiMT-fAEaO2PFHuEvXi8dwKRMjOuq3ulbtaO3xSqvCeH6KyItPs7MaLjoJkSjKvOphpI2co840iwMv7FGrvBDIlo7jciKfmbZpX_vcc6OSit_KsWYqMowK6CXJA2c3H1ziQ4KGZ9s/s1600/cow-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge3zdiMT-fAEaO2PFHuEvXi8dwKRMjOuq3ulbtaO3xSqvCeH6KyItPs7MaLjoJkSjKvOphpI2co840iwMv7FGrvBDIlo7jciKfmbZpX_vcc6OSit_KsWYqMowK6CXJA2c3H1ziQ4KGZ9s/s320/cow-1.jpg" width="276" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If we’d been able to ignore the uncomfortable fact that our tiny daughter/grand-daughter had just revealed her awareness of sexiness and, seemingly, beastiality, I’m sure that would have got a massive laugh rather than a stony silence. Family’s a tough crowd.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So over Christmas, while Facebook was telling me that a friend “can’t wait to go skiing” and another “is spending a 3rd straight day on the beach”*, I </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">was </i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">jealous but only fleetingly. Who needs exotic locations when you’ve got increasingly comical chat? (And future challenging conversations about the birds & the bovines)</span><b style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></b><br />
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<b style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Learned Wisdoms</b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>#35:</b></span> If you read back on the child-related things that have amused you over the festive season to find they’re mainly to do with swearing, sex and danger, just try not to think about it. Nothing to worry about. That’s probably fine.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">* In the Southern hemisphere. Not North Yorkshire. </span></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-16000908807981678152011-12-20T23:28:00.007+00:002013-08-28T10:39:55.739+01:00The Good, The Bad & The Snuggly<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While it’s not <em>totally </em>illegal (see <em>Learned Wisdoms #33</em>) to hit your kids in the UK, it’s certainly heavily frowned upon. Rightly so… If you’re disciplining your children for fighting, it’s probably a bit confusing to tell them that physical violence is unacceptable and then give them a massive smack. <br />
That said, I do imagine it was a pretty good deterrent of naughtiness back in the day. And with the behavioural issues we’ve faced with our kids to-date, the disciplinary techniques left at our disposal have had varying levels of success…</span><br />
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<strong style="color: #20124d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Frequently Encountered Bad Things:</strong></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Not sharing with other kids / snatching / hitting</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Name calling & using naughty words. My favourite example of this was when I told my daughter she shouldn’t call people names. She paused then said, “Ok. You’re </span><em style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">not</em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> a stupid bum-bum head face”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- The vindictive </span><em style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">saying no to every question</em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> phase</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- </span><em style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Lying</em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">! This one caught us off guard. “Mummy – daddy hit me” </span><em style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What?!? No I didn’t.</em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> “Daddy – the child-minder bit me”. Questionable. (Making stuff up was one thing. When she started planting forensic evidence and bribing cronies for false alibies, it got beyond a joke)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Acting-totally-spoilt-with-a-massive-sense-of-entitlement-and-crying/whining-anytime-what’s-wanted-isn’t-got. Grrrr</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilmXPWk1vXi-O3pU6LB2tZ07eUJAj2QH1kbRDYHMp7VUbzIhyphenhyphenOjmKGEjHboYgiKzMcBU5j5-MmWnFOZTUIek8OGKtFNm7h-JjdVlGGHRVq2t12kjn679vlETxfRor0-dG-I5AKrGi91-8/s1600/dutch+kid-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilmXPWk1vXi-O3pU6LB2tZ07eUJAj2QH1kbRDYHMp7VUbzIhyphenhyphenOjmKGEjHboYgiKzMcBU5j5-MmWnFOZTUIek8OGKtFNm7h-JjdVlGGHRVq2t12kjn679vlETxfRor0-dG-I5AKrGi91-8/s320/dutch+kid-1.jpg" width="275" /></a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #20124d;">Disciplinary Responses:</span></strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Reward good behaviour. Ignore bad behaviour:</strong> The <em>ignore bad behaviour</em> bit can be difficult. Especially if it involves super-loud whining in public. Or hitting me with a broom. But kids like attention and hate being starved of it - this seems to work. Our 4yr old is now always keen to dress herself/wipe her bottom/make her own breakfast, knowing she’ll get a big cuddle and be made a fuss of. And at times now she’s so proud of not hitting her little brother back that, rather than moving out of the way, she’ll call out “Daddy, look – I’m not even hitting him back!” while he’s still lashing at her. <span style="color: #38761d;">9/10</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>The naughty step:</strong> Everyone knows the naughty step. It’s a natural extension of the ignoring bad behaviour idea. Actually being isolated from the rest of the family and starved of attention for a short period is pretty effective. Though we did have to scrap this technique for a short period while our little girl had a phase of always wanting to play on the stairs. <span style="color: #38761d;">7/10</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Shouting:</strong> Doesn’t really work. Makes you look like an idiot. Similar to the <em>smacking-for-fighting</em> paradox, doesn’t make a lot of sense if you’re disciplining your kids for making too much noise. Innocent bystanders are often caught in the crossfire – any time I’ve shouted at my little girl for being naughty while her little brother has been in earshot he’s got scared and burst into tears [#makesmefeellikeadick] <span style="color: #38761d;">1/10</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Take a toy away:</strong> Bad thing has a non-violent, non-shouty consequence. Explain what’s going to happen if bad thing doesn’t stop. Two warnings then, if bad thing still doesn’t stop, something gets confiscated. Like the naughty step and the <em>reward-good/ignore-bad</em>, the key is consistently following-through to ensure it’s understood that bad things always have consequences… and with the added bonus of making me feel like I’m some sort of hostage-taking mafia overlord (<em>“I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. Perhaps you stop snatching your brother’s toys for the next two days and perhaps you may one day see your Rapunzel doll again, eh?”</em>) <span style="color: #38761d;">8/10</span></span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Super Sneaky Special Counter-Moves:</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All was starting to feel in control, but - in the same way there’s a constant race between the performance-enhancing drug producers and the anti-doping screening organisations - the kids are swiftly adapting to our techniques. Largely with charm offensive. When my little girl is in trouble she’ll act all sad and cute, say sorry and try to kiss me; if my 23 month-old boy clocks me round the head with a plastic horse, he’ll instantly smile and try to cuddle my head… turns out I <em>also</em> like the attention and it is tough to discipline them at that point. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Manipulating me already. And they're, only 4 and nearly-2. The next 16 years might be difficult... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #134f5c;">Learned Wisdoms<br />
#33:</span></strong> If you’re unsure whether smacking children is illegal and so google the subject, you’ll find articles containing the following information/quotes:<br />
- In the UK, spanking or smacking is legal. However, parents in England and Wales who smack children so hard it leaves a mark face up to five years in jail under <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4175905.stm" target="_blank">laws passed in 2004</a>. In Scotland since October 2003 it has been illegal to use any implements when disciplining a child<br />
- 2004 reaction to law:<br />
<em>NSPCC boss Mary Marsh</em>: "There is a risk parents may choose to hit children on parts of their body where injury is less visible”<br />
<em>Head teacher of the Christian Fellowship School in Liverpool, Phil Williamson</em>: "The law doesn't say how long the mark has to last for. It also ignores totally black children who don't mark and don't go red. It's just a ridiculous law,"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">… if you have something of an enquiring mind, this may lead to these follow-up searches:<br />
<em>- On which parts of a child’s body is injury less visible?<br />
- Most popular implements for hitting Scottish kids<br />
- Totally black children <br />
- Does black skin mark when hit?<br />
- How do you completely delete your search history forever?</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #45818e;">#34:</span></strong> When your daughter has fallen in the playground and got her first little black eye, if you’re subsequently out with her in public and a shopkeeper looks at you disapprovingly it’s best not to react. What you absolutely shouldn’t say is “<em>What? You think I did that? Are you kidding? Look at the size of her. She can’t even defend herself. If I’d have hit her, half her head would be gone</em>”. That doesn’t make anyone more comfortable.</span></div>
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dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-16539019830504052312011-11-27T22:34:00.000+00:002013-09-24T12:58:27.262+01:00My Amazon Profile Thinks I’m Five<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s the best part of a decade since Jeffrey Zaslow wrote the famous <a href="http://www.planetdan.net/blog/tivo.html" target="_blank">My TiVo Thinks I’m Gay</a> article in the Wall Street Journal about how to combat profiling algorithms when they get the wrong end of the stick about your behaviour. I was thinking about this the other day when I saw Amazon.co.uk’s <em>recommendations for me</em>…</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3sQa1l7JadG_DJ7l-59TGUBZJQYeat8caZ-_YI2e1_eeii1m42bj-AC_fCAdJ1vXizN1hmhtUmpKxjo5J4nAK5eMqXxnKU4ydqXKhZjkgHQO6Gj2cp0dIIQ1gXdPn5qZEPRv9HW0GkXs/s1600/Amazon+3-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3sQa1l7JadG_DJ7l-59TGUBZJQYeat8caZ-_YI2e1_eeii1m42bj-AC_fCAdJ1vXizN1hmhtUmpKxjo5J4nAK5eMqXxnKU4ydqXKhZjkgHQO6Gj2cp0dIIQ1gXdPn5qZEPRv9HW0GkXs/s640/Amazon+3-1.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The fact is, I can’t complain. That is generally the kind of stuff I buy. It might not project my aspirational self-image of a well-dressed, cosmopolitan executive-come-stuntman in the prime of his life, but that’s only because it’s based on actual “data” and “facts”. There’s not a lot of money spent on exciting items for me these days. At least not pre-emptively online - my wardrobe is pretty healthy, but that’s largely populated by items purchased from the shops near my office just after I arrive at work having not noticed that the morning’s child readying & deployment activities have left my garments streaked with <em>milk/face-paint/porridge/vomit/other</em>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How money gets spent isn’t the only area where electronic data sources tell a story of offspring influence. Use of leisure tools has evidently also been skewed their way.<br />
Here’s a representative sample of items on our Sky+ planner…</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge6dvq5W70I1fK0bkJgm2DO83HXq0VFxP3XK4dW1co95unPSd24uot6_ytxL0EE6fsFX3mCM1NOGj6V3MVoAWJQ-dYBLqpvL6DYxbn8fAcwfnrqPq6qXTnci1Un7mFYedm5tEoCKX5-2A/s1600/PB260442-3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge6dvq5W70I1fK0bkJgm2DO83HXq0VFxP3XK4dW1co95unPSd24uot6_ytxL0EE6fsFX3mCM1NOGj6V3MVoAWJQ-dYBLqpvL6DYxbn8fAcwfnrqPq6qXTnci1Un7mFYedm5tEoCKX5-2A/s640/PB260442-3.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">[<em>2 parts kids to 1 part me</em>]</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And here’s what YouTube thinks I’d like to watch…</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGZAqqB0mYqgHLu1cd5Sih5UFF8-JXbNU8rOs4zeWtrlMNarcsOHGP1ddhpHQOq13sDr-MhuudXX66jCH8QEIrtK9hrW_UGazdVUAI7y65dh1Te7TCudDNXy2KqjDq9srob6-35Ua4kbU/s1600/youtube+3-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="379" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGZAqqB0mYqgHLu1cd5Sih5UFF8-JXbNU8rOs4zeWtrlMNarcsOHGP1ddhpHQOq13sDr-MhuudXX66jCH8QEIrtK9hrW_UGazdVUAI7y65dh1Te7TCudDNXy2KqjDq9srob6-35Ua4kbU/s640/youtube+3-1.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">[<em>3 parts kids to 2 parts me</em>]</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Obviously this is all to be expected. I can’t really complain. It's no surprise that the children dominate most areas of life. It’d just be nice if data profiling recognised when I’m clicking for me and when I’m acting on behalf of the little people who share my account, then gave me the choice of looking at recommendations for me or recommendations for my kids.<br />
Until then, if I want to see recommendations that certainly aren't for the kids, there’s always my spam email folder. Admittedly their targetting still seems a little off* - I don't currently have <em>erectile dysfunction</em>, or want a <em>hair transplant</em>, or fancy looking over the <em>Financial Proposal from Mr Ahmed Hassan</em>, or need to know <em>the real truth about which penis enlargement pills work best -</em> but if I ever do, I know those guys are there for <em>me</em>.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Learned Wisdoms</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#32:</span></strong> If you're looking to update your CV and the only potential new <em>Other Skills & Experiences</em> entry that comes to mind is "Finally developed the knack of brushing knots out of small girls' hair without inducing horrific screams", then it's probably best to just leave it as-is</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">* honest</span></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-45634499216436895802011-11-16T23:56:00.008+00:002013-08-28T11:04:22.289+01:00Jenny Maguire?<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My little girl was in bed, I’d read her a story, kissed her goodnight and was about to leave the room when she said, “Daddy. I don’t want to go to taekwondo anymore.” <em>Why? Don’t you enjoy it?</em> “I like it. But a nasty bigger boy makes horrible angry faces at me and makes me scared.” <br />
<em>Cue a huge welling of furious anger, adoption of a gladiatorial Russell Crowe-stance and a swearing of vengeance in this life or the next...</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love playing the sports. It’s been a big part of my life to-date. The health benefits are great and it gives such fantastic life-learnings on commitment & dedication, on how to win & lose with dignity, on respect and on teamwork. And on how to throw.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’d love both my son and daughter to play loads of sport. But my wife is convinced that society is rigged against our little girl getting involved. There are a couple of issues she sites: </span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>i) </strong>Opportunity in professional ranks</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With the <a href="http://thesportdigest.com/archive/article/gender-bias-american-sports-lack-opportunity-lack-administrative-positions-and-lack-coverage" target="_blank">comparative lack of professional options</a> there’s less incentive for girls to play sport super-seriously. Gaining parity on cross-gender prize money, sponsorship and viewing figures would require a massive shift in media positioning & promotion. I’d guess this is unlikely to happen before my daughter reaches her sporting peak (especially if she gets into artistic gymnastics, as that’d only leave about 4 years). And chances aren’t helped by the administration of some sports, which are seemingly biased against women gaining increased recognition. The best recent example of this was the preposterousness around <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/sep/25/paula-radcliffe-sins-good-woman" target="_blank">Paula Radcliffe’s 2hr 15min 25sec marathon record suddenly <em>not counting</em></a> because… <em>err</em>, it was set in a race where men were running, so… <em>err</em>, she could have got an advantage from… <em>err</em>, drafting. Yes. That’s it. Drafting. (Kenya's Patrick Makau holds the men’s world record of 2hr 03min 38sec – <em>uncomfortably not that much quicker?</em> - having used pace-makers for the majority of the distance. And when Roger Bannister broke the 4 min mile he was drafting all the way.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444;"><strong>ii) </strong>Gender typing </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Subtly, or not so subtly, girls (and boys) hear messages throughout their early life about what they should/shouldn’t be doing. Society & the media give <em>boys</em> encouragement to invest in sports… not girls. As Tanni Grey-Thompson flags in <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-15606053" target="_blank">this article</a>, there’s still not the investment in women’s sport that the performances should warrant. <em>Why?</em> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Possibly because female athletes are not publicly presented as strong role models, which also subsequently means kids aren’t inspired... meaning there will be little sporting enthusiasm and encouragement around my little girl at school each day (I don’t know exactly what the girls were doing while I was playing football every lunchtime at school, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t tennis or darts or quidditch<strong>*</strong>). </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh58HI5cd9mmtoIydpcRAX7c2rkyl6iRrC_cl7g7SotaHVxl034yOlQxE92MjptwV3wpGRXXlSvRqrqRnjILIpp4-yZrnEKFSe5l93zLkVphfYkYyQU4XhyphenhyphenGVjkV51vKJG4PmbME7JWkUA/s1600/1_lingerie420-421.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh58HI5cd9mmtoIydpcRAX7c2rkyl6iRrC_cl7g7SotaHVxl034yOlQxE92MjptwV3wpGRXXlSvRqrqRnjILIpp4-yZrnEKFSe5l93zLkVphfYkYyQU4XhyphenhyphenGVjkV51vKJG4PmbME7JWkUA/s320/1_lingerie420-421.jpg" width="276" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Apparently <em>80%</em> of UK girls are not playing enough sport or doing enough exercise to benefit their health. And, if a girl should <em>somehow</em> manage to get really into sport and do really well, there’s the risk she’ll struggle for funding unless she <em>shows some flesh</em> (beach volleyball), get picked on if she doesn’t have movie-star looks (Rebecca Adlington), or – if she’s really talented - get accused of actually being a man (Caster Semenya).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So. What do we do? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On the face of it, there’s not a lot my wife and I can do to counter <em><span style="color: #444444;">issue i</span></em>. But I’m not sure how big a deal that actually is. Football was the main sport I played between the ages of 6 and 30. I’ve invested thousands of hours playing and training. But I never for one minute thought I was going to be a professional footballer. There might be big rewards at the top of the profession, but only a small number get there and I never put my eggs in that basket. I’ve enjoyed it and got a lot out of it without ever aspiring to <em>make it</em>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think the issue of incomparable rewards & recognition will only really become a problem if our daughter turns out to be elite in a sport. My wife says I’m wrong. (I’ll let you know which of us was correct once we’ve set up two parallel realities containing differing views to women in sport and measured the athletic progress of identical versions of our daughter in each) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I also think we, as parents, can have a massive impact on both our kids’ interest in sport. Particularly if our little girl sees my wife doing/enjoying sports. Again, my wife thinks I’m wrong. She believes media and school friends will have more influence on her, lessening her interest in Sports (so that’s now <em>four</em> parallel realities I need to run identical versions of my daughter through before I can get back to you with conclusivity on which of us is the best at being right – please be patient).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The fact is, we’ll do our best to encourage her and I’ll be hoping that her friends (and society in general) don’t do too much to discourage her. Hence finding out that my daughter was already being put off taekwondo by some idiot kid who doesn’t like girls being there made me angry. And I’ve promised her I’ll sort it out<strong>**</strong>.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Getting into specific sports can be hard enough as it is… </span><em style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444;">There’s an obvious economic snag to making every sport readily available to every boy and every girl. According to <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-England-Lose-phenomena-explained/dp/0007354088/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1321488110&sr=8-1" target="_blank">this book</a>, Norway has by far the highest sporting-participation rates due to government incentives and a strong enough economy to invest in making sport accessible to everyone. But even in Norway I'm sure there would be barriers if, as a male, my little lad wanted to get involved in, say, rhythmic gymnastics</span></em><strong style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">… and to throw on top of that discouragement of girls getting involved <i>at all</i> is unacceptable.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Admittedly I wouldn’t have even started thinking about this if I didn’t have a little girl but, if you’re a woman, or a father, or even just a man who likes sport and isn’t Richard Keys/Andy Grey, you’ll probably agree that girls should be given as many sporting opportunities as possible. Overcoming the long-standing bias against this seems daunting, but maybe driving sexism out of sporting administration & media is really just a matter of fronting up to more of the <i>bigger nasty boys making horrible angry faces</i>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">Learned Wisdoms<br />
#31:</span></strong> Not strictly <em>sports</em>, but as part of encouraging our little girl into an active lifestyle, my brother indulged her love of dancing by buying her a full ballet outfit on her birthday. Upon taking her to lessons for the first time, my wife found the following equation to hold true:<br />
<em>[Kid wearing all the gear] + [All other kids wearing tracksuits or jeans] = [Other mums instantly disliking mum of kid in all the gear]</em></span><br />
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana;">... </span></em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">she also found that, if your daughter walks straight to the centre of the room, announces <em>"I'm here!"</em> and takes a bow, it's surprising how effectively a silent group of women can say "No matter how nice you and your spoilt little show-off daughter really are, we will never, ever be friends after this" using only their eyes</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><strong>*</strong> Actually, is </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>quidditch-</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>involvement-level</i> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">even across boy and girl</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> wizards at Hogwarts? Based on minimal knowledge, I don’t think it is. Rubbish. Even if we send our little girl to a fictional school for mythical beings she won’t get an equal shot at sports</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><strong>** </strong>Any suggestions welcome. The only approach I’ve currently thought of is punching him in the face, which doesn’t necessarily articulate my argument as eloquently as I’d like</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><strong>*** </strong>Admittedly, not least from me. Not because I think it’s <i>just for girls</i>. But because I think it’s rubbish. I wouldn’t want my little girl to do it either. Mincing about with a stick and a ribbon. <br />
(I’d apologise for potential offence here, but I once loudly expressed this opinion verbally before turning around to find the entire Australian rhythmic squad stood right behind me - <em>long story</em> - so I figure I’m beyond forgiveness and may as well just stick with my ignorant view)</span></span></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-53947365377491777682011-10-30T10:13:00.001+00:002013-08-28T10:46:08.224+01:00You Do It To Yourself, You Do<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pre-Read</span></strong><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you’ve never seen the video to the Radiohead track <em>Just</em>, then </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_qMagfZtv8&ob=av2e"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">click here</span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">. It’s great. And a working knowledge of it is needed for this post to make any sense <span style="font-size: x-small;">(... I don’t know <em>how</em> anyone expects to get the most out of the blog if they won’t do the set preparatory work)</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>A Coincidental & Mildly-Amusing* Thing That Happened</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(* Given a somewhat-niche background knowledge of popular culture. And a pretty generous sense of humour)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My little boy does this thing when he gets tired or sad (or both), where he just lies down flat, silent and motionless on the floor. To an extent I admire him - if I wasn’t a slave to social conventions I’d probably do the same thing about three times a day - but it can be a bit embarrassing when we’re out & about. It's hard to project the image of a motivational parent, inspiring their kids' to great enthusiasm for life while you're stood over what's effectively a boy-skin rug.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, we were at a birthday party the other week. There was a bouncy-castle. And food. And a rule that the castle would be deflated as soon as the children sat down to eat. (Shrewd stuff. I guess you don't spend too much time wiping partially-digested quavers/cheese/icing off your colourful vinyl before you see the value of introducing that one) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Food time came around. The castle went down. My little boy, tired from the frantic bouncing and sad that it was over, predictably slumped to the ground and laid quietly on the flattened jumpy</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-château.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A few other kids noticed him and wandered over. They had a little look at him. And then at each other... And then they all laid down!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I couldn't believe it. It made my day. I thought it was brilliant. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Though I'm well aware that you might not. The octogenarian I was talking with at that point certainly didn't... but, I suppose, if you're a) not familiar with Radiohead, b) not interested in toddlery life-imitating-art coincidence, and c) not that welcoming of <em>any</em> conversational-deviation from <em>the impact of open-end spinning technology on the Yorkshire textile industry</em>, then no amount of excited pointing and laughing on my part is going to convince you that this was a noteworthy moment)</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix6RtXBE8YwZvhdLfjXrmY4jgoErI8516coJAImUj8KFUQ8w7BQaOG0Mx_OjTncrV_qAEyN2nqqk5bdDNeI_ZKe94BNqJ5rckaS27FwB8fHVNl2cmYXcFKdJbm_UWxYY2JCv0Kuv3eBbQ/s1600/Noahhead+final.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix6RtXBE8YwZvhdLfjXrmY4jgoErI8516coJAImUj8KFUQ8w7BQaOG0Mx_OjTncrV_qAEyN2nqqk5bdDNeI_ZKe94BNqJ5rckaS27FwB8fHVNl2cmYXcFKdJbm_UWxYY2JCv0Kuv3eBbQ/s400/Noahhead+final.jpg" width="400" /></span></a><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Future Opportunities</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So there you go. The bloke in the video had been on a bouncy castle and was a bit tired and a bit sad. Or not.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Either way, my little boy's tendency to lie down where and whenever he wants resulted a nice little funny moment. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm now on the lookout for other scenes from popular culture that the kids could be nudged towards re-staging in miniature...</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My daughter loves climbing. And she carries her little toy monkey everywhere with her. If anyone needs us, we'll be</span> at the nearest model village until a small-scale bizarro-<em>King Kong</em> moment ensues.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Learned Wisdoms</strong></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYHPYeYIjfuoXLh8G-M1LiKnBMHHo0fy40gjDMuRZPf3MYRnAhBz6Nf4Tsg-VR2bJBaoq2r_VJm_kbu62yDXpDRjHPUUOm92FLJuUR682RFdbKsaIgaG70ngSWVX7kbG7Ft3-mi06TM1g/s1600/radiohead+-+just+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="306" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYHPYeYIjfuoXLh8G-M1LiKnBMHHo0fy40gjDMuRZPf3MYRnAhBz6Nf4Tsg-VR2bJBaoq2r_VJm_kbu62yDXpDRjHPUUOm92FLJuUR682RFdbKsaIgaG70ngSWVX7kbG7Ft3-mi06TM1g/s400/radiohead+-+just+1.JPG" width="400" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#30:</span></strong> When your little boy suddenly vanishes inside your house, you will be <em>relatively</em> comfortable that he can't have got far (once it's clear that the doors are locked and that his passport & tricycle are still there). However, until you actually find him, it will be very stressful. So, if he is known to have a penchant for lying-down flat and motionless for significant periods of time, it will save you a frantic 6-to-7 mins of confusion if you check under the duvet of your bed right away. </span></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-90849872422703724352011-10-16T23:32:00.007+01:002013-08-28T13:23:44.317+01:00Colour My Life With The Chaos Of (Double) Trouble<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was my wife’s birthday party the other weekend. I was up with the kids the morning after. Feeding them, dressing them and playing with them… whilst trying really hard not to lie down, moan and pass out. It made me think back to how different things were when we only had one child… </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Getting pregnant the second time meant there would be a sibling for our little girl. (Plus it was nice to know everything was still working after another couple of years of keeping a mobile phone next to my genitals.) And I figured that, once you’re used to the lifestyle-restrictions of having one child, throwing another into the mix would probably be <em>easy-peasy lemon-squeezy</em>. I was wrong. It's <em>difficult-difficult lemon-difficult</em>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Within hours of our little boy being born we got the first sign of trouble. My wife and our new-born had to move wards through the maze of hospital corridors. They were pushed in a wheelchair by a busy porter. I had hands-full carrying all the gear we’d brought to the hospital. And our little girl was riding a scooter that the new baby had given her (see <em>Learned Wisdoms #28</em> below). She soon decided that following was a bit rubbish and shot off down a random corridor. The porter was too busy to wait and carried on with wife and baby boy. I couldn’t chase her while carrying all the gear and had to drop it to run after her. Once the fugitive was detained, it was hard enough finding our way back to the bags, never mind to the rest of our family, and we spent 15 mins walking the hospital corridors like a father/daughter version of Hansel & Grettle. (Equally breadcrumbless, but with Grettle - still high from the thrill of the chase - repeatedly trying to bolt in random directions.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This was symptomatic of the biggest challenge in transitioning to a state of <em>multi-childdom</em>. During their waking hours, unless you’re in a heavily-padded confined space, you both need to be <em>on duty</em> all the times. For example, we recently went to Cyprus... Every morning we’d go out to the pool and set up our loungers. Within ten seconds the kids would both walk off in different directions. I’d head after one, my wife the other. By the third day we didn’t even bother laying our towels out properly - we certainly weren’t spending any time lying down. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_IgFNF0G2CfYeHx9Vb1EKZUI536xm2f0JNxJwpQJdtdZTkyOaZ-jSr0JtHw70gkwSY4rCX2_0K51bWUuaLdiZer2W9VFeMyaRFyuV3xrHNAxuLQdrCr6ZYvF4eF77OFxJolReeCgF6rA/s1600/camels-2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: justify;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_IgFNF0G2CfYeHx9Vb1EKZUI536xm2f0JNxJwpQJdtdZTkyOaZ-jSr0JtHw70gkwSY4rCX2_0K51bWUuaLdiZer2W9VFeMyaRFyuV3xrHNAxuLQdrCr6ZYvF4eF77OFxJolReeCgF6rA/s320/camels-2.JPG" width="277" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When one’s contained, e.g. strapped in a push-chair, one of you can switch off. But the kids need/want to roam around so, unless those remote-control electric-shock dog collars turn out to actually have <em>positive</em> physical & psychological effects when used on humans, pool-side holidays with multiple toddlers will continue to involve tailing your allocated kid(s) while they attempt to <em>stumble into the deep-end of the pool / eat soil / commit minor acts of inflatable-toy larceny.</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Also on the trips & holidays-front, as soon as we had our second child we were back to <em>travelling heavy</em>. It was a squash to go anywhere in the car with all the gear. And I'll never forget the first time we tried to get through airport security with a load of bags, two children and no knowledge of the fact that you actually have to take the baby out of the buggy and put it through the x-ray machine*. No-one's got enough hands for that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the hungover-morning situation, with one little child there’d probably be a nap-break at some point (when I’d take the chance to lie down, moan and pass out). Even if there wasn’t, it’s a lot easier to look after and engage a single kid. With two, you're dealing with demands at pretty-much every given moment. And while I (like a chump) remain able only to be in one single place at a given time, there’s always the potential peril of chaos erupting in two parts of the house simultaneously… <em>while one’s nearly choking, the other’s hiding your keys; while one’s weeing on the floor, the other’s throwing milk-drenched breakfast cereal with unerring accuracy at your laptop.</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I guess, if you want multiple offspring without having to deal with a prolonged lack of relaxy-time, you could wait until the first one’s big enough to be a bit autonomous. But there’s a lot to be said for having siblings of a similar age. And, the fact is, we're probably only facing a couple more hard years until they’ve both got a bit of self-sufficiency (though no-doubt there’ll be other challenges as they get bigger). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We are definitely <em>done</em> now though. Two is enough for us. (I’d never be comfortable relying on zonal marking. I need the comfort of reverting to man-to-man when things are tough.) </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This has, however, led to another thing that I didn't have to worry about when we only had one child... the looming prospect of The Vasectomy. <em>Shudder</em>. More on that another day…</span></div>
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Learned Wisdoms</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #783f04;"><strong>#28:</strong></span> Having the new baby <em>'bring their older sibling(s) a present’</em> is a nice tip to limit the initial animosity and jealousy. It’s pretty unbelievable though. And, if you do leave a big gap between your kids, you’ve got to worry that there’s a point where cognitive development doesn’t allow it. Not sure what age that’s at. All I can confirm is that a 26 month-old doesn’t have any problem with the idea of a woman giving birth to a baby that comes out bearing a nicely wrapped scooter.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #783f04;"><strong>#29:</strong></span> If you’re the first-born of three children, you will suffer a bit from being the one that’s most-able to be left alone. This is particularly notable when looking back over those photos you get from rollercoaster rides... <em>your dad & your younger sister waving; your mum & your little brother screaming with delight; you, fighting </em></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>G-force to lean away </em></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>from the creepy & unhygienic-looking stranger.</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">* The buggy, not the baby. Obviously.</span></div>
dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-7276425838997939142011-10-04T23:22:00.013+01:002013-08-28T13:23:56.201+01:00All These Things That I've Done<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m pretty clued-up on the parenting techniques. I’ve read some of those <em>books</em> they have nowadays. I know my naughty steps from my reward charts. I‘ve got solid game.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But occasionally - when I need <em>just a second</em> in-amongst the constant questioning and play-demands, or if I’m in a situation where I urgently need to quell crying and get the kids to do/stop doing something – then, just occasionally, I have done the odd thing that Supernanny or the Baby Whisperer would frown upon.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’ve listed some I can think of off the top of my head. I’m pretty sure we all do this sort of thing occasionally*. And seeing my list of rogue moments might make you feel less guilty if/when you take the odd naughty (but entirely human) shortcut…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #444444;">1.</span></strong> Trying to get out of the house in the morning. Made promises of future fun, contingent on doing-as-told <em>now</em>. “We’ll do <em>xyz</em> tonight if you get my phone out of your mouth and find your shoes”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #444444;">2.</span></strong> Subsequently relied on the forgetfulness of tiny heads to avoid having to do <em>xyz</em> tonight</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444;"><strong>3.</strong></span> Used the promise/threat of Christmas presents to drive good behaviour. (And, with a little girl’s birthday in November, Q4 is generally a pretty easy stroll)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #444444;">4.</span></strong> To avoid making a stop, used the old classic, “I’m afraid you can’t have an ice cream. You hear the van’s playing that music? It means they’ve run out”. (Was subsequently asked what a zooming fire engine had run out of)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #444444;">5</span></strong></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #444444;">.</span></strong> Played hide & seek. But, as allocated seeker, sat down and read a magazine for the 5 mins it took the hiders to get suspicious </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444;"><strong>6.</strong></span> After dealing with the third set of wet/soiled pants in a 30 min period, left a potty-trainer roaming naked while I watched the early-Sunday edition of Match of the Day. Was only alerted to the pool of wee wee on the wooden floor by the loud crash as little feet ran into it and slipped over</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #444444;">7.</span></strong> Bribed crying child with sweets to subdue a public scene</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #444444;">8.</span></strong> In a rush, agreed to the bargain that toilet would only be sat on if hands did not subsequently have to get washed. (At least negotiating the counter-point that little hands be kept on head away from </span><em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">sticky </span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-a16iRsuy_lpd8KO9G5cswEjjXG7KxWAusP3XwIydBVGeEqgHrlt5A0nvEm91P3LmO0hGCwSEWys8FztKR8vKWbqI97YzItaiUyqNkxyT7w3Xsq7-j83KuALW5o27wnMsvMeADA6y7Jk/s1600/shortcut-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-a16iRsuy_lpd8KO9G5cswEjjXG7KxWAusP3XwIydBVGeEqgHrlt5A0nvEm91P3LmO0hGCwSEWys8FztKR8vKWbqI97YzItaiUyqNkxyT7w3Xsq7-j83KuALW5o27wnMsvMeADA6y7Jk/s1600/shortcut-2.jpg" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">zone</span></em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> during entire procedure)</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These are rare** occasions, but still… Bribing with unhealthy food? Allowing non-hand washage? What’s next?? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“If you <em>stop crying/do xyz</em>, then you don’t have to: <em>wear a seatbelt / learn to read / avoid operating heavy machinery after alcohol</em>”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The fact is, we all try to deal with our kids the best we can. But it's important for your own sanity to accept that you can’t do everything perfectly all the time, especially with the time-pressures working parents live under. (Just don’t ever make/read a list of your shortcuts. It really hurts your virtuous self-image)</span><strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Learned Wisdoms</span></strong><br />
<span style="color: #783f04;"><strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;">#</span></strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><strong>26:</strong> <span style="color: black;">When your kids are very small, in the rush to get them out of the house in the mornings without tantrums, you may resort to the odd white lie (“We can’t watch TV now, but we’ll watch a whole film tonight.” “We can’t play dancing now, but if you’re good I’ll get you a… a giraffe.”), knowing they’ll have forgotten later. Be aware that your empire of deceit will crumble much sooner than you expect. After ~30 golden months, a little person will tell you, “No Daddy, I’m not going to bed. We’re staying up to watch Monsters Inc… why do you never get my giraffe?"</span></span></span><br />
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<strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana;">#27:</span></strong><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> If, while considering yourself a good and caring father, you write a whimsical post about the occasional shortcut you take with the kids and then read it back to find that listing all those things in one place suggests you’re actually (at best) a pretty lazy dad or (at worst) criminally-negligent, then it’s probably shrewd to imply somewhere that it was all exaggerated for increased amusement. Yes, it was a work of semi-fiction. That’s right. Of course. [<em>Single bead of sweat rolls down forehead</em>]</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">* He said. Uncomfortably aware that “we” might not actually do this kind of thing at all. In fact, this might be the kind of thing that drives “we” to pitchfork-wielding angry-mob formation.</span><br />
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dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-1823065356590757102011-09-26T22:50:00.007+01:002013-08-28T13:24:22.431+01:00Playhouse of Horrors<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My wife would like to get a playhouse for our kids in the garden. We’ve talked about it a few times and I‘ve always been very negative about the idea without really knowing why. When she pushed for my rationale the justification finally popped out from deep in my subconscious… <em>“Because a vagrant will use it as a toilet”.</em> [Insert your own confused silence. We both did]</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I do tend to see all the potential problems with a thing/scenario, rather than focusing on the likely positives. This can be useful at work and in other circumstances where it gives the chance to mitigate probable issues. But it does mean I’ve got more concerns floating about my head each day than anyone reasonably needs. (I spent a whole commute last week considering how I’ll cope <em>when</em> I someday get sent to prison for a crime I didn’t commit.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However it turned out that my vagabond-dung-angst was actually based on life experience - when I was growing up, a hobo did once sleep in our back garden and extensively fertilized our back doorstep. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But discovering the odd smelly surprise probably never really hurt anyone. Maybe it's even character building. It would obviously be really nice for the kids to have a playhouse. And I refuse to live in fear. It’s like the war on terror*. If we’re scared to go on buying playhouses as normal, then the pooping-drifters win.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another slightly more likely unlikely scenario, given their huge numbers in our area and recent instances of attacks on humans, is that one morning my little boy opens the playhouse door to find a bewildered fox in th<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhotVsWrtgFgCGQkP2nV1bil-iX31XYPf1oawSSO2uFdYui8IFrVs-OmptY7qxwjm1qR9W0SgTNVPvOAVIMkwTPnc3kHtAUX7G02xAvxXcp8ua8cS88myREWgcscjGhTDcKzyGhZpQokQU/s1600/Argos+playhouse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" kca="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhotVsWrtgFgCGQkP2nV1bil-iX31XYPf1oawSSO2uFdYui8IFrVs-OmptY7qxwjm1qR9W0SgTNVPvOAVIMkwTPnc3kHtAUX7G02xAvxXcp8ua8cS88myREWgcscjGhTDcKzyGhZpQokQU/s320/Argos+playhouse.jpg" width="276" /></a>ere. Still a long-shot though - I just did a google search for "<em>Playhouse Fox Incident</em>" and found no wendyhouse-specific cases to back up my apprehensions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">(And if you ever get a pub quiz question “Who did special effects for the '<em>Without <span style="color: #666666;"><span style="color: #444444;">Incident</span>'</span></em> episode of 1950s TV show <em><span style="color: #444444;">Playhouse</span> 90</em>?”, I can tell you the answer is Jim <span style="color: #444444;">Fox</span>.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So we’re going for it. We are going to get a playhouse. And if my irrational worries mean getting up every morning to check it for tramps, angry foxes, and miscellaneous faeces before letting my kids into the garden, then that is what I shall do. For I love my children. And I am free man… (At least until that <em>crime I didn’t commit</em> thing happens.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #7f6000;">Learned Wisdoms</span></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #7f6000;">#24:</span></strong> If your mother-in-law ever asks you why there’s such a big lock on your shed door, just say it was the only one you had lying around when you put your shed up. Don’t say “Because I’m psychologically scarred by a childhood incident and believe that, every chance they get, beggars will spread their cack over all my things. More tea?”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #7f6000;">#25:</span></strong> Once you’ve got the kids to bed on evenings when your wife is working late, if you spend your spare time writing and working out, you’ll be slightly disconcerted to notice that you’ve already gravitated naturally towards using <em>rec time</em> for hobbies you’ll be able to continue once you’re wrongly imprisoned. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">* Yes. This matter is <em>just</em> like 21st century world issues with terrorism</span></span></div>
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dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-65115801266370305162011-09-15T15:44:00.010+01:002013-08-28T10:51:12.626+01:00Dazing & Confusing School Decisions<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our daughter will start school next year and my wife and I are currently debating the state vs private options for our kids.... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My wife got a scholarship to a private school for 6th form and subsequently went on to Oxford University. She’s had great career opportunities as a result. Also I obviously like her personality quite a lot, which has gone some way to conquering my sweeping prejudice that all people who attended private school have a slightly anti-social sense of entitlement and get crippling panic attacks if they find themselves more than two meters from a deck shoe.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I went to a comprehensive in Bradford. And initially felt uncomfortable that going to private school would be <em>yet another</em> way that my kids are different to me… </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>- I was genetically squashed by my wife in our children’s features and appearance; <br />
- Having been born in London, the kids are Southern. Unlikely to support Huddersfield Town and, worse still, I caught my daughter pronouncing it “grarse” recently; <br />
- I didn’t know what pesto was until I was about 25 – it’s currently my 1yr-old son’s favourite food</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">… until I realised that (see Learned Wisdoms #21 below) I don’t actually want my children to be the same as me. I want them to be better*. And school choice is probably the biggest life-shaping lever we have for the kids outside our direct relationship and interactions with them. <br />
In theory at least, they should have more career and lifestyle choices if they get a better <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">education. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As is the case in most of London, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the schools we’re in catchment for are a real mixed-bag with staggering competition for the decent ones (which is what led us to start thinking about private in the first place). Plus, private </span>schools generally have better sports and extra-curricular facilities/programmes (something that was a significant frustration for me growing up at state school).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On the other hand, from my own experience, I think there’s a lot to be said for a down-to-earth upbringing, having to overcome challenges along the way, and not being surrounded solely by people called Tarquin and Sebastian**. So, despite The Daily Mail trying to convince everyone that going to a comprehensive school in London will mean our kids have to run a gauntlet of stabbings for the chance to achieve impregnation and secure their genetic succession at the age of 13, I’d like them to do at least <em>some</em> of their education through the state route. Which, to avoid <em>new kid</em> stigma and name-calling (especially as we unwisely named them Yagina and Resticle), probably means state primary school then moving to priva<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0yXYyAkgY4qSwgLWMAY8MLMinCnZnrziwyj2o6dQ3SL3wAHUanWN1-hHIfLU_Vnwr4E3cVhLSFmZPDDxs6t_tGTgHe8pFXWFlQEQKu92IMpgaD0wfFhA4s3-n_JMRb9vDrL6SgRvdN_0/s1600/blog+schools.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" rba="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0yXYyAkgY4qSwgLWMAY8MLMinCnZnrziwyj2o6dQ3SL3wAHUanWN1-hHIfLU_Vnwr4E3cVhLSFmZPDDxs6t_tGTgHe8pFXWFlQEQKu92IMpgaD0wfFhA4s3-n_JMRb9vDrL6SgRvdN_0/s320/blog+schools.jpg" width="276" /></a>te as they make the switch to secondary.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So that’s the plan at the moment. Just one more thing – how are we going to afford private school fees? Not <em>100%</em> clear as yet. We’ve had a look at what current luxuries we’d probably need to cut out and roughly where we’d need to get our salaries to over the next few years. They seem to be attainable-but-significantly-challenging targets… though if my blog posts suddenly dry up you can assume that taking part in medical experiments and selling organs doesn’t leave the necessary time or life-force for writing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">Learned Wisdoms<br />
#21:</span></strong> While we all know that you shouldn’t put undue pressure on your children or have unrealistic expectations of their capabilities, you will occasionally falter. Prepare for disappointment when, during the ear test in your daughter’s first month of life, the result comes back normal after you’ve inexplicably started to expect that the healthcare person is about to recoil and quietly utter “It appears that your child has something approaching… <em>super</em> hearing.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#22:</span></strong> Even if you go to a church that happens to be associated with an excellent <em>non-pay</em> primary school, be aware that there will still be <em>a lot</em> of competition to hit the selection criteria:<br />
- <em>Having siblings already at the school</em> <span style="font-size: x-small;">(which apparently only leaves another 4-5 spaces each year)</span>: Unless we attempt some sort of <em>hostile adoption</em>, we’ve got no shot on this one.<br />
- <em>Being regular-attending and active members of the church congregation</em>: We do our bit, but I have never seen such a busy and busting congregation… suspiciously skewed towards young middle-class parents<br />
- <em>Proximity of your address to the school</em>: We don’t live ultra-near. (And I can confirm that bribing crows to fly by more favourable routes is impossible) <br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><em><span style="color: #666666;">Funny piece about trying to get your children into the best local school in this episode of</span></em> </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGTWsm8H4pA"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle (from 04:20)</span></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#23:</span></strong> With many people having funded their children’s private education by re-mortgaging during the housing boom, its decline may have reduced the number of families able to stretch to school fees. So supply & demand notions might mean it’s worth getting your negotiating trousers on for conversations with private schools.<br />
If you’re not a natural negotiator (for example, maybe you once found a massive disgusting hair in a chapatti and, after talking to the restaurant management, agreed the position of getting zero pounds taken off the bill and actually paying more for an additional chapatti to replace the hairy one), then it might be worth getting some tips in advance.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">* Though I’d settle for them being <em>happy</em> and living the lives that they want. (I <em>suppose</em>)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">** <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another sweeping generalisation, which my ex-private-school-going mate Matt picked me up on last night at football (having annoyingly defied my lazy stereotypes already by being much better than me at that)</span></span></span></div>
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dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-73826515947136394592011-09-02T22:19:00.005+01:002013-08-28T13:24:53.651+01:00Temper Trap<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We’re going on holiday soon. Abroad. I should be happily looking forward to a bit of sun and a relax. Instead I’m slightly stressed thinking about in-flight child-containment strategies. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At home I have no problem with our kids making a big din in the name of fun. And if there’s a tantrum to ignore, I’m your man. (My in-built noise-cancellation technology has evolved to the point where I can totally screen it out.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But in a confined public space it’s a different story. I’ve never been a massive fan of other people’s crying kids imposing themselves on my ears, and I’ve always felt hugely awkward when mine have <em>gone loud</em> in the restaurant/book shop/Trappist monastery. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There is a lot to be said for avoiding ‘scenes’ and keeping your life easy while they’re little. To minimise our instances of being the most-disliked family in earshot, we made a few guidelines:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- <strong><span style="color: #666666;">Timing is everything</span></strong>. If you’re eating out, get there early so that food arrives before your kids have got really hungry (as opposed to ordering when they’re already hungry and having to endure ravenous screams for the duration of the wait)<br />
- <span style="color: #666666;"><strong>Unconsciousness is your friend</strong></span>. If you want to do some shopping straight-forwardly, do it when they’re due a nap and can fall asleep in the pram<br />
<strong><span style="color: #666666;">- Don’t force it.</span></strong> If the kids are tired or having a bad day, it’ll most-likely be very stressful eating out. (And no-one wants to be the person who snaps and drops the C-bomb in Pizza Express on a Saturday afternoon.) <br />
Do it another time. Or get a babysitter and do it when they’re in bed. <br />
- <strong><span style="color: #666666;">Swiftly analyse your environment</span></strong>. Jason Bourne walks into a diner,<em> “The first thing I'm doing is I'm catching the sight lines and looking for an exit. I can tell that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs 220 pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab of the grey truck outside.”</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I walk into any café/bar/restaurant, <em>“The first thing I’m doing is I’m looking for a quiet place to change a nappy or put on a meltdown-calming puppet show. I can tell that our waitress knows where to get crayons and that the group on the next table won’t see the cute side if our daughter wanders over and verbally-freestyles on their physical appearance. I know the best place to look for a chocolate-based distraction is the newsagents next door”</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All that is great for short-term situations where you’ve got the fall-back option of taking the kids outside if they kick-off. Long train or plane journeys are a different matter. It’s all about temper control. And the children have the strongest negotiating position. If anyone’s got any different tips, I’d love to hear them, but so far the only solution we've found is just to drop all the usual rules on use of treats, TV, Rohypnol, etc. <br />
... My holiday hand luggage will contain stickerbooks, a laptop, various Pixar & DreamWorks DVDs and a heady cocktail of crisps, chocolate, Calpol and sweets.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Learned Wisdoms</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#19:</span></strong> A good way to overcome your fears is to face them. If you’re often embarrassed by the somewhat anti-social actions of your children in public, wait until your daughter is old enough to walk and to operate basic mechanisms like, say, the lock of a pub’s disabled-toilet-&-baby-change-room. Then leave her <em>free</em> post-nappy-change while you use the loo. Once she’s opened the door, walked out and left you standing, mid-stream, in-front of a table of eight interested elderly folk, you’ll be effectively embarrassment-proof for the rest of your life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#20:</span></strong> Before you’ve got children, when you see a parent shouting at their screaming kid in public you think “Oh, what a terrible parent. That poor little child, living with such an aggressive bully”.<br />
Once you have children, you see the same scene and think more along the lines of “What horrible thing did that mean little f*cking little kid <em>do</em> to push that poor, poor adult over the edge?”</span></div>
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dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-23896608373277139742011-08-26T21:24:00.014+01:002013-08-28T13:25:03.976+01:00Be In The Moment (When You’ve Got Time)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s nice to enjoy your life. (Strong opening <em>Captain Obvious</em>.) Yet my wife & I sometimes wake up on a Monday morning, talk about <em>getting through the week</em> and slip into routine as if there’s no actual life-living value coming our way until the weekend. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Buddhists reckon<em> being in the moment</em> is of great importance on 'the path to enlightenment'. They call it <em>smṛti</em> or <em>sati</em>, which translates as </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness_(Buddhism)"><em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">mindfulness</span></em></a>.<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My over-simplified-to-the-point-of-being-borderline-xenophobic understanding of it is that <em>you enjoy the main course more if you focus on your chicken rather than wondering about whether there’ll be a chocolate option for pudding</em>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There’s definitely something to be gained from this mentality. How often has your mind been elsewhere when you could have benefitted from engaging with your surroundings? Whether it’s paying no attention to a conversation with your partner because you’re pondering a work situation; not fully relaxing to enjoy a film because you’re thinking through potential childcare options for a future commitment; or missing some interesting insights in a work meeting because you’re wondering who’d win a fight between a large grizzly bear and a medium-sized white shark in the shallow end of a swimming pool.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We all do it (except maybe that last one) and you don’t have to be the Dalai Lama to realise that we’d get more out of each day, and out of our lives in general, if we spent increased time appreciating what was happening <em>now</em>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But that’s easier said than done. Especially if you’re stressed. And particularly if you’re concerned that your collective moments maybe aren’t shaping up to deliver everything you’d hoped for from life…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m ashamed to admit it, but there have been plenty of occasions when I’ve not made the most of time with my children because my mind’s been elsewhere. I love the kids, they’re the best little people I’ve ever been affiliated with, but I’ve got two big challenges with <em>mindfulness</em>:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #444444;">i) I’m a <em>planner</em>.</span></strong> And without being safe in the knowledge that everything’s in-hand for the success of future moments, I have a hard time concentrating on this one. (And, yes, I generally ruin those future moments by worrying about the ones after that anyway.) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The only way I’ve found to avoid this is to block out a short time each day to plan whatever needs doing and make a list of the required actions. Then, for the rest of the day, if my mind starts to wander towards planning I can reel it back in… because I’ve already planned when I’m going to plan. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(Totally justifiable to speculate on how my brain hasn’t exploded yet.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #444444;">ii) I’m terrified of wasting my life.</span></strong> Whether it’s something genetic, something from my upbringing or just that I already threw away a significant lump on the TV show <em>Lost</em>, I’m often more aware of what I’m <u>not</u> doing than what I am doing. (And, when you’re working full time and have two kids, there’s a lot of stuff you’re not doing.) <br />
This mind-set was making me quite depressed for a while. The solution I found was to identify exactly what I wanted in my week-to-week life so that time outside work felt well-rounded. My wife did the same. My list was:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Plenty of time with the kids & q</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">uality time with my wife</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Dinner/drinks with friends at least every couple of weeks</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Writing</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Sports & Exercise. Weekly football / cardio / weights. T</span>ennis / hit some balls on the driving range / horse riding every few weeks (see <em>Learned Wisdom #17</em> below) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Clearly the problem is finding time to fit everything in. Particularly as, after woring all week, we want to maximise our time with the kids during their waking hours. Realism had to bite, and <em>get really good at skiing, improve my Spanish, learn rhythm guitar</em> have been left on the shelf for now. Everything else on my list (and my wife’s) we are finding a way to fit in. Generally by getting babysitters in the evenings (e.g. we were surprised to find that, during summer, we can get a canter-out together from a local stable once-a-month in a Wednesday 8pm-9pm timeslot after we’ve put the kids to bed), but also by doing things like cycling the work commute for cardio a couple of times a week (so that I don’t have a weekend-time trade-off of <em>be with the kids</em> vs <em>go running</em>).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Knowing that there is space for <em>my stuff</em> in the weekly/monthly routine (even though some things aren’t even that frequent) means I worry about what I’m <em>not</em> doing much less. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicwh3x6FU2EU5rw7xvTHZBesyytmWun2lDygt_lbBSFQThdjsV8pME6yiOCZhMoBhYEPfzg7vXuz-W6oCMbY8zhZpf_1Jn9xfYu3zCoIOrhoU4SrxKjvdcVXb2uRoUolWsRVngbUeWMaw/s1600/IMG00186-20110814-1609.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; height: 322px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; width: 276px;"><img border="0" height="320" qaa="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicwh3x6FU2EU5rw7xvTHZBesyytmWun2lDygt_lbBSFQThdjsV8pME6yiOCZhMoBhYEPfzg7vXuz-W6oCMbY8zhZpf_1Jn9xfYu3zCoIOrhoU4SrxKjvdcVXb2uRoUolWsRVngbUeWMaw/s320/IMG00186-20110814-1609.jpg" width="275" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now I'm generally <em>in the moment</em> a bit more and I frequently, as Woody Harrelson instils to Jesse Eisenberg in the brilliant <a href="http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/review.asp?FID=136180">Zombieland</a>, <em>enjoy the little things</em>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(Not every tip for getting through life on an earth where zombies are the dominant species is as applicable to a life with children… actually, see <em>LW #18</em> below.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Obviously my life hasn’t suddenly become entirely populated by sunshine and lollypops – if I’ve got something stressful going on at work it’s hard not to have it dominate my thoughts that week – but when I’m with the kids I am finding it much easier to focus on just enjoying that time with them. And it’s dead nice. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Learned Wisdoms</strong></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#17:</span></strong> If you grow up proudly working-class in the North and find that anyone mentioning their enjoyment of golf or horse riding causes you to internally respond with “Oh f*ck off, f*ck off, f*ck off. F*ck off, f*ck off, f*ck off. F*ck off, f*ck off, f*ck off… <em>F*ck Off</em>”, then it’ll be a sizable hit to your rugged self-image when, upon actually trying these things, it turns out that <em>you really quite like them</em>. (You may have similar experiences with skinny vanilla lattes, the film <em>When Harry Met Sally</em> and exfoliating facial scrub.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#18:</span></strong> A surprising amount of things that are good rules for surviving a post-apocalyptic zombie-ruled world are equally applicable to surviving life with small children. For example:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Be swift and vigilant on the toilet. Something could burst in at any moment</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Come to terms with the fact that you may never see your friends again</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Always carry antiseptic wipes</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- Get used to eating fast, you’ll most-likely have to move quickly very soon</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">- The putrid smells you encounter every day can be lessened if you breathe through your mouth</span></div>
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dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-6959638969729917512011-08-20T11:03:00.011+01:002013-08-28T11:04:42.169+01:00Men Are From Earth, Women Are Also From Earth (Where No-One Enjoys Tidying Up)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I just spent 15 mins folding and putting away clothes. It wasn’t awesome. I would have rather done something fun for that quarter-of-an-hour and let the heap on the landing grow for a couple more days. However, tidying-up the clean washing (within specified post-drying timelines) is a job I signed up to in <em>The Anderson Peace Treaty of 2010</em>. Before that, a lack of appreciation for each other’s priorities was causing a few household skirmishes…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Despite my natural tendency for a bit of cosy mess, I have always put effort into ensuring my children grow up in a nice environment, free from e coli, strangle-hazards and potential falls-from-height. However, in the early days, my wife would have described my contribution at home with words like "lazy", "self-centred" and "f*ck-knuckle". </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Essentially, there was a sizable gulf between my view of acceptable commitment to house work and my wife’s perception of the required efforts. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This was largely because, while I was still merrily oblivious, she had recognised the extent to which our non-child-based leisure time was restricted by having a kid alongside a career each. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Her earlier acceptance of this was probably because women are forced to start coming to terms with constraints and sacrifices the moment they get pregnant:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No alcohol/pâté/rollercoasters</span></em> <em><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">></span></strong> No energy <strong><span style="color: #783f04;">></span></strong> No lean torso <strong><span style="color: #783f04;">></span></strong> No comfortable position to sleep in <strong><span style="color: #783f04;">></span></strong> Huge physical trauma <strong><span style="color: #783f04;">></span></strong> No break from being the dedicated nutrition-facility for a small human</em> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">… whereas a man’s journey over that same period tends to be:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Gain designated driver for nights out <strong><span style="color: #783f04;">></span></strong> Get 2 weeks off work</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">(It's little wonder we're a bit behind at first.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">When my wife’s maternity leave was over, we divided the household chores roughly in half and both kept <em>largely</em> on top of our stuff. However, maybe due to some maternal nesting instinct thing (or perhaps because it’s pretty standard to not want sh*t strewn all over your house), it became clear that my relaxed attitude to clothes-putting-away was really infuriating my wife. And I couldn’t understand why she wanted to spend all our free-time ration doing chores instead of enjoyable stuff.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4TyV94wS8ItfPhOG0NJ5dNBPtpgMQOW6ASbCVJNoXi2UWCg3iR231rRwK2xF4xcKduNXngzG5Ncbh78gM1A-cJ84CIakAVypYdiRuO-Tcg8I_VGdLD7DXqohxvxYIw30SlrMSv1ZZ1qI/s1600/P8210253-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; height: 334px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; width: 276px;"><img border="0" height="320" qaa="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4TyV94wS8ItfPhOG0NJ5dNBPtpgMQOW6ASbCVJNoXi2UWCg3iR231rRwK2xF4xcKduNXngzG5Ncbh78gM1A-cJ84CIakAVypYdiRuO-Tcg8I_VGdLD7DXqohxvxYIw30SlrMSv1ZZ1qI/s320/P8210253-1.JPG" width="275" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eventually I came to terms with the fact that there <em>just is</em> a load more stuff to do in the house. It still feels like Norris McWhirter should be appearing to verify my record-breaking stats on weekly volume of garments returned to wardrobes, but I get why the amounts are exponentially higher than when you’re just a couple. (Post-birth, not only are there all the baby’s little costumes, your things also need washing more frequently due to constant <em>non-specific baby-engendered soilage</em>.) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It only takes a couple of day’s neglect before our house starts feeling like the inside of an arcade <a href="http://mirror-us-ga1.gallery.hd.org/_exhibits/recreation/_more2005/_more11/amusement-arcade-amusements-slot-machines-2p-10p-drop-downs-grabber-flashing-lights-music-at-the-Bognor-Regis-Pier-south-coast-of-England-1-DHD.jpg">2p drop-down</a>. So, until <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">we earn enough money to employ a maid or (ideally) a team of trained cleaner-monkeys, I should probably keep trying to deal with my little jobs before I have a </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">work-out or sit down to watch telly. But, on the flip-side, my wife also recognises that, to avoid going mental, there’s got to be a reasonable point each evening where we both stop and relax.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Learned Wisdoms</span></strong></strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#15:</span></strong> If someone at work says you look "<em>a little bit tired and out of shape</em>", complaining about this to a woman who’s <em>carried a human for 9 months, pushed it out of her vagina, been up in the middle of the night breast-feeding for 6 weeks and can no longer go for a run without a-little-bit-of-wee-coming-out </em>is not a strong move. <br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">(The scene ends badly, as you might imagine, in a cavalcade of anger and fear.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #783f04;"><strong>#16:</strong></span> In the division of house-hold chores, <em>put the bins out</em> is generally a good one to pick. It’s perceived as a high-value deliverable, but actually only takes a few minutes. <br />
However, if you live in a suburb where foxes frequently rip open bin bags and scatter the contents all over your garden, you may want to think twice about signing up for it. Particularly if your wife is a good negotiator who can easily make a strong case for <em>pick up the disgusting bin-mess that’s covering the entire lawn </em>being an implied sub-task of <em>bins out</em>.</span></div>
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dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5101200021519447619.post-21811553647848606132011-08-11T23:28:00.019+01:002011-09-16T16:30:33.042+01:00Let's Fall Back in Love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I opened the fridge door the other evening to get milk for the kids. A bottle of soy sauce fell off the top shelf and smashed on the floor. The <em>spatter pattern</em> (I watch Dexter) extended to the vertical surfaces on all 4 sides of the kitchen. And out through the open door, right across the lounge to the sofa*.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not ideal. But this was a notably-positive moment for me because my subsequent train of thought was, <em>“Oh. That’s a bit rubbish. I suppose I’d better clear up before something macabre happens involving all this broken glass and those fast-approaching small children.”</em> </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What I didn’t think was, <em>“Why the f*ck does my f*cking wife always leave tall f*cking jars on the shallow f*cking top shelf of the f*cking fridge door? What the f*ck is f*cking wrong with her? F****CK!”</em></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This was significant progress because, as it turns out, once you throw work and then family pressures into the mix, a happy relationship isn’t something you can take for granted…</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We met at the start of the twenty-first century on the same graduate programme at a company in Nottingham. Two years later we got together (me having reached into my bag of pick-up techniques and pulled out ‘<em>twenty-four months of awkward flirting, general inaction and fading self-respect’</em>). And we were very happy. We had 5 fantastic years - courting, getting married, travelling & working around the world, getting pregnant. Enjoying both the adventures and the mundane times because we were deeply in love and living them together.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When our little girl was born we went through the standard-issue 3-4 months of sleep deprivation, but having our first child was amazing and we loved finding our way together. Things started to get difficult when my wife went back to work after 10 months. Suddenly a daily routine was:</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wake up > Dress, feed & drop-off our daughter > Rush to work > Work all day > Rush back to pick up our daughter > Bath her & put her to bed > Log on and finish any outstanding work > Cook tea and finally sit down together at 9:30-10 > Realise there’s still other chores to do > Spend our evening’s conversation bickering about who needs to <em>load the dishwasher/tidy up the pile of shoes that’s starting to restrict lounge-to-kitchen movement/put away the clean washing so we can actually utilise our wardrobes rather than rooting through the clothing alp on the landing/etc</em>… [repeat to fade]</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Living in this situation we became constantly grumpy with each other. Even at the smallest of things. (Something’s amiss if you’re shouting stridently at the person you’re supposed to love because “<em>Glee didn’t magically delete itself off the Sky planner, did it?</em>”.) And as our emotional intimacy deteriorated, the physical side went with it… There’s that adage that if you drop a sweet into a jar for every time you have sex in the first year of a relationship, then take one out every time subsequently, the jar would never empty. That sentiment was starting to become true for us (though, in reality, the jar would actually be empty within 20 mins due to unfortunate confectionary-related self-control).</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After about 18 months of this, on a night out with friends, an oriental man on the front desk of Karaoke Box stated that we had “a very distant relationship for a husband and wife”. If a total stranger can see that in the time it takes to pay for a session, order some drinks and enquire about borrowing a tambourine, then it’s definitely time to take action…</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The first thing we tried was getting babysitters more frequently so we could go out together once the kids were asleep. This was a positive thing eventually but as an isolated first step it really didn’t help (see <em>Learned Wisdom #13</em> below). We had to take more basic day-to-day action. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A key thing was both making extra effort to keep on top of our side of the household chores – more to follow on this subject in the future <span style="font-size: x-small;">(how tantalising is that?) </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And then came a surprising turn…</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My wife read a book by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman">John Gottman</a> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">called <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0752837265/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1312840962&sr=8-1">The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work</a> </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I listened to the abridged audio book <span style="font-size: x-small;">(because the first of the 12 recovery steps from rubbish-concentration-span-ism is admitting you have a problem).</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It felt a bit <em>bellyaching, mollycoddled rockstar</em> to be taking self-help guidance from a bloke who’s been on Oprah, but we went with it and very quickly it helped identify behaviours that were driving a wedge between us. Plus the first three of the seven principles had some obvious-sounding-but-surprisingly-effective steps that helped us rebuild the intimacy of our relationship…</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>1.</strong> <em>“Enhance Your Love Maps”.</em> Talk more to understand your partner’s interests and aspirations. Asking open ended questions really helps. (My opening effort was, “If you could have any coffee, with any syrup, from Starbucks, Nero or Costa, what would it be?”. My wife’s initial shot was, “How would you like our life to be in the next 5 years?” Hers was better.)</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>2.</strong> <em>“Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration.”</em> Focus on the things you love about your partner and try to respect/appreciate their differences. Say “Thank you” and “I’m proud of you”. Key note is not to assume they know what you think - you have to say it. (We’ve been making an effort to do this for a while, but my wife still seems to assume I know she thinks I’m well dressed, great at the sex, and able to enrich all conversations with vaguely-relevant film/TV references in a way that is charming and not-at-all annoying.)<br />
<strong>3.</strong> <em>“Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away.”</em> Listen to your partner when they want your attention. Engage and be enthusiastic. (Even if they seem to be telling you about their day in real-time…)</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQaIBwdSX79nuQ7ZS1K89vul_0157N9gZF-GUWlgGGvYgDhi0jQfZyUjlmQruAZaDxJLdA95pVnhPJM1au_MsqBAsQzfYFxCFcmHvQHpuD73G8lI74OzoDsc2Y2YPXpXOMqxD2XmCPDww/s1600/P8210228-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; height: 340px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; width: 276px;"><img border="0" height="320" qaa="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQaIBwdSX79nuQ7ZS1K89vul_0157N9gZF-GUWlgGGvYgDhi0jQfZyUjlmQruAZaDxJLdA95pVnhPJM1au_MsqBAsQzfYFxCFcmHvQHpuD73G8lI74OzoDsc2Y2YPXpXOMqxD2XmCPDww/s320/P8210228-1.JPG" width="275" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It felt unnatural to be having conversations or consciously responding in a certain way <em>because the book said so</em>, but very quickly things that had felt prompted started to happen automatically and, over time, our positive sentiment towards each other has returned. We enjoy each other’s company again – at home, as well as out over candle-lit dinner. And it turns out that having intimacy in a relationship is a pretty solid basis for romance and upgraded bedroom-based passion.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
When something stressful happens now we don’t immediately look to blame each other. We try to accept what we can’t change about each other and focus on all </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the positives... for example, I'm pleased to say that my catching reflexes are now </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">awesome, and getting better with every trip to the fridge.</span></div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Learned Wisdoms</span></strong></span></strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#13:</span></strong> Surprisingly enough, spending more time alone with a person you don’t get on with doesn’t make either of you happier. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You know the <em>Thunderdrome</em> “two enter, only one leaves” idea out of Mad Max where people with differences head alone into a confined space? That.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #783f04;">#14:</span></strong> If you know that your wife loves to receive the Hotel Chocolat tasting box every month, that’s good <em>love mapping</em>. If you make sure it always arrives just as she’s due on her period, that’s prodigious & uncoachable relationship-mega-flair.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">* which is dark brown – smartly picked with realistic expectations of life in mind</span></span></div></div>dadulthoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01108005873013919384noreply@blogger.com1