16 January, 2013

Ten-Thousandth Visit Special Edition

My blog passed 10000 visits recently so to celebrate, just like a lazy sit-com writer doing a ‘compilation show’ for their 100th episode, here’s a bunch of my favourite not-that-useful parenting suggestions from the learned wisdoms section of my posts and the @Dadulthood twitter feed (and maybe some stolen from Viz magazine’s Top Tips… see Learned Wisdoms below)

AVOID SIGNIFICANT board game tedium by telling your children from an early age that it’s called ‘Connect 2’

CHILDREN'S ILLUSTRATORS. Need to draw a ladybird or butterfly? Go and look at a photo of one first. Seriously. Just once

TV PEOPLE. Solve childhood obesity by making all cartoons about morbidly obese animals incapable of adventures due to Type 2 diabetes

OUT OF TOILET ROLL?  As you reach behind to pull from it, check that the packet on the cistern is Baby Wipes. Not Flash Bathroom Wipes

IF YOU have multiple tubs of Vaseline, clearly labelling one of them BUMS removes the risk of any icky moments when treating chapped lips. But it can lead to some awkward questions if spotted by visitors.

EMPHASISE the importance of grammar to your children by concocting your own “No, More Tears” shampoo out of lemon juice & vinegar

POTTY DESIGNERS. It's for holding urine. Becoming a super-awesome cowboy hat when upturned is NOT a helpful feature...

A HIGH-SIDED garden trampoline makes an excellent introduction to cage fighting for young siblings

AMAZON. When I've just bought my daughter a pink scooter, it's unlikely I will immediately want to buy another one

AN EARTHWORM makes a handy 'serpent' when helping your daughter create an exotic-dancer Barbie

KEEP YOUR children on their toes by placing brochures for foster homes in the toy section of the Argos catalogue

A STICKLEBRICK makes an excellent 'bed of nails' for a meditating Lego-man

REDUCE THE monotony of the school run by dropping your child at a different school each day

GET AROUND paying for expensive after school clubs by encouraging your children to get daily detentions

LEAVE AN unattended hole-punch near your kids. That way, several of your very important documents can effortlessly become riddled with holes

DON’T BE grumpy when changing a dirty nappy, use it as an amnesty period for getting any stored up trumps out

AN OLD baby bottle makes a splendid measuring cup for spirits. (Remember to rinse before the health visitor comes)

SAVE thousands on university fees and gain a BA in law by getting Mr T to marry your daughter

Learned Wisdoms
If you find yourself 34 years old and still occasionally reading/enjoying Viz reassure yourself that, because you scan the letters and articles but skip past the cartoons, you probably still count as an adult


  1. Some very useful insights there.
    Perhaps a few on decorating?
    For example: When buying a new sofa, vomit/urine colour or wipe clean is always best.

    1. Ha. No coincidence that I've got a brown sofa. Good shout - did start me thinking about a problem I currently have. Along the lines of...
      Pushing your kids into becoming artistic superstars in the hope that their wall-based scribblings will be seen as indoor 'Banksys' (adding thousands to the worth of your house) is significantly easier than repeatedly cleaning/repainting your living room.

    2. Sticklebricks!!1 :) I thought they were loooong gone. I have fantastic memories of making sticklebrick ladders to 'run away' from home (out of my third story bedroom window!) when I was 6!

    3. I love that - you could make ANYTHING out of sticklebricks/lego/duplo. If it looked like the real thing, that was enough - structural load-bearing and tensile strength meant nothing (until I tried to learn tightrope-walking on the string of a Coca-Cola spinner)